where the banyan grows

from the teething trenches...

2009-08-05T11:48:00.003-04:00

yes, we're still alive over here.

4 weeks since my last post...lets see to sum it up:

lost job

found job

cat sitting flop

new cat showed up the same day (sanura)

felted owl still in progress

snapped exhaust system

fixed exhaust system 200$ later

nervous breakdown

broken mama

homesick mama

fixed mama

nettles infusions

food stamps on the 3rd

stocked fridge

happier banyan

two new bottom teeth

organic frozen mango'd gums

whiny malaya bean

petting Sanura

rainy morning

quiet house

loud house

learning how the opposites create completion

photos to come soon.....

Independence day....

2009-07-05T22:27:00.003-04:00

Today I ate more than a spoonful of sinfully delicious Cocoanut Milk icecream....see normally I would only eat a spoonful of such a thing...I"m what you could call a saint when it comes to snacks...even my most decadent of treats is "healthy" It annoying to most people to see a woman with such control over her "sins".

Why the mention of this you ask?

because today I celebrated my independence from a compulsive martyrdom aspect of my personality. I'm getting a little tired of hearing how "condescending" I can be... So I figure if I give into my own version of what my good friend Veronica calls "hells kitchen". Perhaps it could help me to lighten up a bit more and not come across as such an annoying saint? (those who know me really well, know that I'm NOT a saint, I just like the light better than the dark ;)

so many different aspects to personality to work with aren't there?

While I'm not so into the "red white and blue" part of independence day. I AM into the spirit of Independence Day. I'm all about independence!!!! :) (I named my daughter the phillipino word for freedom) Freedom is such an important concept to work with. Are YOU FREE?

See slavery comes in many forms;

compulsion...anxiety....consumption....addiction....obsessions....guilt....resentment...anger....FEAR

So when you look at the roots, the deepest darkest ugliest roots, you have to ask...are you in bondage? if so...what would it take to liberate you?

We celebrated independence weekend in this house by conquering some of our fears...

For Jacob, it was choosing to quit using nicotine (2 days!!! I'm so happy!!!!)

For Malaya, it was arching her back wildly in several attempts to roll herself over, soon soon.

For Banyan, it was learning how to swim!!! (just tonight, he took the plunge and realized he didn't need our help anymore!)

For Me it was going out for a LONG walk in the middle of the afternoon heat to sweat out some of my inner laziness and reacquaint with my inner warrior.

I'm so happy that our little family is moving out of some of our darkness and into a place of liberation. True independence is freedom. As much as I hate that saying "freedom is not free" it rings true....always there is something which must be given up in order to become free.

weekends

2009-06-28T13:35:00.004-04:00

riding mamas leg horse

the sweetest little elf in town (we love the hat our friend holly made us)

3 yr old boy :)

and his best friend mr cicada

good morning photo sessions

2009-06-24T11:12:00.001-04:00

happy fathers....um, where's the car? day

2009-06-23T15:28:00.002-04:00

Ahh....Sunday morning...Father's Day!!!

We're not typically the type of family that rises and SHINES...we're more the family that SLOOOWWW LY gets up and out the door on a Sunday morning. but this past weekend....NOPE.

We were up, had breakfast cooked, papa bears' feet massaged, all showered, diaper bag ready, Banyan geared up into his beach wear and out the door by 9am!!! A marvelous accomplishment if I do say so myself. :)

"where are my keys?" jacob asks...

sigh..."i don't know jacob, what did you do with them?" I ask...

"i don't know?...I thought I left them on the counter?"

"are here????? are there???

"nope"

are they in the car??"

"maybe, I"ll go check."

UH...JAMIE???

yeah jacob?

WHERE IS THE CAR?

huh?

WHERE IS THE CAR!!!!?????

Ah...it should be in the driveway...I replied with a nervous smile...

We walk outside, family all ready to go the beach and...

NO CAR OUTSIDE IN THE DRIVEWAY????

Is someone trying to play a prank on us I wonder...

guess not?

so we call the police...

WHERE'S MY CAR MAMA?

WHERE'S MY CARSEAT MAMA?

WHERE'S MY ANIMALS MAMA?

We don't know Banyan?

The police woman comes, takes down the information...

We sit perplexed for about 1hr...the phone rings..

IS THIS MS. LEVESQUE?

YES...

WE FOUND YOUR CAR..its at.......you can come pick it up.

So...we had our very concerned neighbor give me a ride down to Central Ave where our sad little car needed to be picked up. They fingerprinted it...filled out a report and gave it back to us with a few less items than we left it with. NO carseats...No IPOD adapter, and a broken CD.

oh...but they left us a few "gifts"

a semen filled baby blanket...a little nugget of cocaine, and a horrible CD of hip hop music all of which we disposed of.

We then happily drove our car to get cleaned up and have the carseats replaced.

:( 300$ later....

So we're not sure exactly how they got the keys, whether we left them in the car or not....

but our car had itself a little ghetto adventure, and I don't feel quite the same driving it.

I also don't feel the same about living in our "quiet little community" anymore.

Someone out there has a key to our car...(and our house, so we changed the locks) but at night, we have to unplug the battery to the car incase they try to steal it again, it won't start for them.

Needless to say, we feel blessed to have our little blue car back!!!

and it will be a father's day we won't soon forget!

no more people pleasing...

2009-06-09T11:24:00.004-04:00

we really are a people pleasing culture aren't we?

today i realized that my job as a mama is not to make my kids happy. ITS IMPOSSIBLE to do all the time, so its best to surrender and simply be myself. my job is to be present, grounded within myself and guide my children through their 'moments' and do my best to not take their frustrations at the world, or me personally. Being happy is something that THEY need to work on themselves, just as much as it something I need to work on for MYSELF.

I wish it didn't take me 3 yrs of being a mama to realize this.

Using words like, "you're making me angry" NOT TRUE...truth is "i'm feeling angry"

interesting shift.

i'm not so into people pleasing these days. when my kids are yelling at me..."yeah, I see you're upset" with a ho hum additude seems much more effective than trying to get them to "calm down" or "be happy"

silent sunday

2009-06-07T09:47:00.002-04:00

the hair

the teeth?

the sync

the brother

the sign

budgeting...

2009-06-06T12:51:00.002-04:00

i've got to say I DON"T LIKE IT!!!

I became really spoiled through Malaya's pregnancy...was able to eat ANYTHING I wanted ANYTIME of the day. I let myself get all big and plump of 165 lbs!!! And now that she's out, I've noticed that Jacob's gotten skinnier and I've stayed pretty much the same. While he's out working hard everyday, I'm home making lavish lunches and not sharing. ;p

BAD JAMIE!!!! None of my old pants fit yet...and yeah, she's only 2 months old. but i've been telling myself its time to get back on my bike and start budgeting.

This is object MORE MONEY...LESS FAT

We started last month observing our food budget...just simply observing where our money normally goes. That month was VERY revealing. YIKES...we spent over 800$ on food alone. SCARY!!! So this month we made an SERIOUS effort to cut back...and we're still somewhere around 750. So with that in mind, I"ve started "meal planning" something I"ve never really done before...but need to. I've become that meticulously organized martha stewart type who has the dry erase board with all the meals, chores and activities planned out for the week. I've even got the short haircut to match. WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?? LOL

I used to make fun of people like me..."where's your spontaneity?"

but I think now its just what happens when you have to juggle more than one child around throughout the day. you NEED organization to make sure everyone's needs are met.

and budgeting. :(

NOPE

I don't like it one bit....

but it DOES force some creativity.

all those late night cravings are replaced with water or tea.

all those 12$lb salmon meals, replaced with canned salmon

all those things like ice cream, soda, expensive bread; replaced by homemade yummies instead.

(last week we made some seriously yummy organic PB and cocoa rice krispy treats which I won't complain about)

and all this budgeting for what you ask?

TO GET OUT OF SARASOTA!!!!

We have our sights set on next year.

Last night was my first night on my bike since I was 3 months pregnant. We pumped up the tires, put Malaya in the Ergo and went in circles around the neighborhood until our little Fussy Mcfussface told me she wanted no more. and then...back to the sendentary life of nursing and computer. SOON...soon she will start to enjoy those bike rides...as will my butt which needs some blood flow. It was smiling from those 15 minutes of excercise. Banyan was thrilled to have someone to chase him around on his tricycle.

ah kidoos wake...gots to go!!!

"god damn that bible pushing man...." shannon hoon

2009-06-04T14:31:00.006-04:00

that song was in my head all morning after Jacob sang it to me last night. (blind melon song)

I'm going to state for the record, I don't care if I offend anyone with this blog. The blog is something I write for myself, as a form of creative expression. A place where I can go to honestly vent and share with my family and close friends a bit of myself which I normally tend to hermit. I'm pretty good at offending people these days, but honestly, I'm not really here to make friends, I'm here to be me and speak my truths, as they change and evolve. I'm here to share my stories and experiences, thats about it really. I'm much better at writing and taking photos than I am conversation. I'm pretty much a hermit and like it that way, I only come out when there is something that interests me, or I have a need to be met. (like sunshine, or food, water etc..)

So here is todays vent.

I've never lived in a community where there were more pushy christians than there are here in Sarasota. Strange to me there are people who feel they are on a mission to save others. I mean, couldn't I say the same for them? "geesh, jesus is the ONLY god you worship? don't you know there are OTHER scriptures and OTHER gods? YOU SHOULD BE 'SAVED' FROM YOUR BOX or you SHOULD do anything....blah blah..."

but honestly, I don't feel the need to go there, because I respect peoples' belief systems and what works FOR THEM and their family. I don't really have the energy to expend on debating religion because I just birthed a beautiful little girl and want to spend all my time staring at her smile all day :)

I don't want to push my opinions and beliefs onto other people. If someone asks, well sure I'll share it with them if i've got the time.... and since there has been so much community gossip and questioning since my last post and its presently nap time....

I just wanted to state that in my reality there is room for both Jesus AND fairies. because for me god created fairies, and gnomes and trees, and food and animals and us.

I can thank the sun by drumming out a tune on a Siesta beach sunset just as much as I can get on my knees and thank jesus for being in my heart, just as much as I can use the teachings of Buddha to guide me closer to compassion, just as much as I can read the dao of pooh and find truth etc...

god or truth is NOT something that I want to put into a box with a label. it is expansive and contains EVERY religion, and every faith. What we believe in our home is that yes, there is one GOD...and he created mother nature to watch over the plants, he created saints to attune towards when we're feeling like sinners, he created creation itself. Do I call that one god Jesus? no. Has Jesus 'saved' me, on occasion, yes :) I've felt Jesus in my heart on SEVERAL occassions and thank him kindly for his teachings and the sacrifices that he has made. and while I'm grateful that jesus died for my sins...i'm also not going to go around sinning and thinking that i'll be free from karmic debt if only I rest all of my faith in him. my conversations go something like "thanks for sacrificing yourself jesus...truly you are amazing...but i really didn't need that from you. I'll handle my own karma, and do my best with the time i have here on earth"

jesus and I talk all the time. He knows my heart and soul. we're good like that.

he knows I don't need to go the church to find god, because to me, god is EVERYTHING and EVERYWHERE.

I think we could all learn a valuable lesson from "the old turtle and the broken truth"? and don't most people see that big tattoo of a turtle on my back and know that i'm all about the whole message of that story "YOU ARE LOVED...AND SO ARE THEY!!!"

alas..kiddos wake. off to dance with the fairies and say thanks to father wind for his lovely breeze today....more later perhaps?

I DO believe in fairies, I DO, I DO, I DO!!!!!

2009-06-02T20:53:00.004-04:00

for the record, i've seen fairies. truly, I have. and NO I was NOT high (atleast not at that present moment) LOL

I wonder when it is some people became disconnected from the fairy realms? It seems our culture has no place for them these days...(ironicly we teach about Santa Claus, as jacob points out) I've met people who are all about thier children learning about nature, yet they don't want them to think fairies live in the trees.

I wonder...maybe the fairies are just to scared to visit their house because their afraid they'll kill them off? (peter pan, captain hook talking) or maybe they'e never seen them? at any rate, I feel sad for them, and I feel so much more sad for their little kiddos running around taking life so literally and not finding the JOY and MAGIC of the fairies.

I mean, how does one explain something like why certain flowers turn out certain colors? surely, its the root children who paint them underground before they sprout out in spring.

or where do all those sparkly rocks that appear in your garden randomly come from? surely its the gnomes bringing them.

or that box of cereal you SWORE you still had in the cubboard and is now missing? sure those pixes are up to no good!!

so tonight i'm going to pray to our god..."god, please let these people actually SEE a fairy with their own two eyes...seeing is believing...or is it that believing is seeing?"

how creation flows

2009-05-31T21:33:00.002-04:00

four blooms upon a single stalk

I remember the week before Malaya was born, finding Banyan in the front garden area. "Look mama!!!" "one two three four"

it seems even the flowers knew

that poor squirrel

2009-05-28T13:56:00.002-04:00

Morningtime is our walk.

before breakfast, before the sun first appears over the tree tops...we're out walking. Malaya sits in sling, rocks slowly back to sleep, and Banyan and I are now awake. Using that fresh morning feeling to walk off those extra baby pounds of mine and to somewhat tire out those constantly in motion legs of his.

I've walked all around the Bayou Oaks neighborhood for sometime, and VERY carefully, I picked a route that was NOT too long, and not TOO short for little man and I. One that had as MUCH shade cover as possible, as LITTLE ghetto as possible, one where we could see a bit of 'nature' as you could call it, or 'scarce patches of life' as I call it. Our neighborhood over the past 8 years has not changed much, a few new developments here and there, but all the same, there is a bayou that runs through the oaks, its just a bit more polluted that it used to be.

So anyways, we're out for our walk, we do the SAME thing EVERY morning. We walk by a house on 46th, "mama used to live there when you were a baby" "i used to live in that house" "yup"

"we go over big bridge mama" "yup"

"spanichh moss mama" "yup"

"tree bridge mama?" "yup"

until we get around the corner... then

"traintracks mama?" "yup"

going through the SAME questions every morning.

in my mind i'm thinking....yup, lets just keep walking banyan.

until I hear something DIFFERENT..."SQUIRREL mama!!" :) He smiles, "look at that squirrely in the road mama..."

"yes I see it banyan"

and out of the corner comes "FUCK NIGGER FUCK NIGGER BOOM BOOM BOOM" one of those shiny suped up cars come flying around the corner and...

SPLAT

there goes mr squirrel, flying under the wheels and tossed violently upon the pavement.

and there goes banyan..."MAMA???" "SQUIRRELY has a BOBO mama!!" and runs into the middle of the road to see if he's ok.

there before him is mr squirrely, brains upon the pavement, with the rest of his little nerves twitching his arms.

"we get him some oil for his bobo mama?" (really sad voice)

"I don't think that will help much Banyan, squirely didn't make it"

"he can no visit his mama now, he can no climb trees now? he can no give food to his baby now, we give him a yellow flower now?"

sure banyan, we can give him a yellow flower.

and so my little man walked a bit further up the road, got one of the little yellow flowers that he normally brings home and puts in his vace, and instead brought it over to little squirely lying splat in the road.

"his angels come get him mama?"

"yes banyan, his angels come get him"

It seems no matter how much we try to teach our children about the goodness of life, impermanence prevails. My little three year old now asks me daily about why cars hit squirrels, why that car "no slow down" why that car "not see squirely" "thats NOT NICE MAMA!!" "we NO hit squirrely"

"yes, thats not very nice, banyan"

somewhere in me, it sparked my own frustrations about our culture. how far removed we've become from nature, how many people can flatten out a squirrel unconsciously and go about the day as though nothing significant happened. children remind me so much of what it is to be PRESENT in that moment, all to aware and connected to EVERYTHING around them.

what a beautiful thing.

if we could all remember to be children again.

malaya bean grows

2009-05-22T21:16:00.003-04:00

milk coma

personality

love coma

alafia wanderings

brother love

mother's day flowers become rose water just in time for summers heat :)

beyond consequences

2009-05-22T13:21:00.000-04:00

You have to change the pattern, in the
moment, in that emotional state.

___________

You have to get to what is real in
your life because if you don't your
children will do it for you!

____________

Violence is the easiest way to find
significance and attention.

____________

Disappointment creates drive if you
don't let it destroy you.

____________

You gotta go deeper -- to the
bone marrow of the soul.

____________

Your children need you to know you're
awesome so they can then rediscover
their awesomeness that was lost.

____________

Learning is the creation of a relationship.

____________

Whatever you focus on, you feel.
(Stop focusing only on the negative.)

____________

Just be yourself and be there.

____________

Strong relationships are built
by being vulnerable.

____________

Authenticity builds trust.

____________

If children can't get attention
in a positive way, they'll get
it in a negative way.

____________

Love need to mater
more than respect.

____________

If you show up for your child
in a different state, he can
only be different.

____________

When you are in a loving state, you automatically do the right thing.

____________

Your children are not their behavior.

____________

The limits we experience are the limits
we impose on ourselves... we are
the ones who create them.

____________

Perfection is the lowest
standard any human can have.

____________

Your children are begging you
to break down your walls
so they can break down theirs.

____________

You have to understand the
power and potential of problems.

____________

2009-05-21T07:46:00.003-04:00

i want to sit and get lost in the tide

walk through amazon rain forests hearing the humming of exotic creatures calling me closer to my self

in this moment

all is lost in this moment

as my mind fails to think itself clearly

somewhere between laundry and sweeping

between karma and its weeping

my camera lost focus

somewhere between reason and hope

my legs lost their quickness

somewhere between then and now

I was never taught forgiveness

I pace inwards and outwards

between memory and now

trying to find that place

(you know, the one you know exists if everything where "different" but you then realize that its an illusion and you end up with more the same no matter how "different" you try to make things)

trying to keep up

with a world that moves to quickly for my taste

the humdrum of the rat race

so quickly how it can erase

ones dreams

I was driving home this morning and saw a bumper sticker that said "People who abandoned their dreams will discourage yours"

it spoke to me...as I found myself discouraging myself...wondering what those dreams ever were that i abandoned...

then finding myself in the dream, all too AWAKE

these short moments to process

come quickly

holding on for the ride HOME

"you know its all going to be ok, right jamie?"

"yeah, I do....its just getting there thats the scary part"

oh how I miss the WOODS!!

as i carelessly step on the cracks on the pavement.

those spaces between, carrying me further out of my mind

oh those lovely cracks in the pavement!!

living with the gift

2009-05-13T20:45:00.002-04:00

sometimes as we unwrap these gifts

the presence is not aligned with the presents

and so we get the unexpected

uncertainties

lingering

foreshadowed fear hangs over me

the illusion waiting to shatter

breaking the veil

so we can see once again the rain

and know how do dance upon its grace

sometimes the steps we take

lead us back to where we were

impatience

agitated scars waiting to be healed

the hope hangs over me

clearly lighting the path

so that i may follow

i was once told of a place called love

it lived in a place that does not exist

and so we traveled farther and farther

out of ourselves

until we found it

as we are here

we are not the same

watching the bombs explode

clinging tight

the expectations only there to free us

from that which we knew

so that we could find truth in place

that did not exist

as we walk there

i know its you

the stars fall down

we're almost there

somewhere between then and now

i always knew you'd understand

this moment

boundaries

2009-04-24T12:56:00.000-04:00

http://christopherushomeschool.typepad.com/blog/2009/04/boundaries.html

the heart

2009-04-24T10:38:00.003-04:00

tells me to forgive.

i must follow what it tells me

despite how uncomfortable it makes my mind

a great shift is about to occur

a solid foundation to be built upon

we've needed this for a long time, I am grateful it is upon us

the only path to healing is through

FORGIVENESS and LOVE

everything in life is temporary....

2009-04-20T13:42:00.003-04:00

Jacob reminds me of this everyday.

I thank him and i thank God that that is true.

look who's one month old today!!!

2009-04-12T09:52:00.002-04:00

just popping in amidst the sleep deprivation to add some much requested photos of our little ones.

we're finally good with nursing!!! it took a couple weeks of determination but we made it through the hump...she's now bottle free and nursing like a pro. We returned the hospital pump today and were donated a breast pump from a woman in the conscious parenting group :) GOODBYE HOSPITAL ENERGY!!!

we're healing nicely and starting to see a bit of a routine starting to form. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.....off to nap for now

while she's dreaming

2009-03-23T10:05:00.006-04:00

while she dreams, i have a few moments to post some photos

she wakes to dream, and takes her waking slow

feels love from papa and brother

smiles with papa

learns to grow from big brother

smiles, dreams, and dreams some more

we're running on very little sleep as we work out the kinks of nursing.

not much time to write...just wanted to pop in and say yes, we're getting through these early weeks and are still sane?

healing naturally from a c-section...

2009-03-21T23:12:00.003-04:00

i type with one hand, and pump with the other....

malaya is sleeping, the house is quiet...the heart is heavy processing the loss of the home birth we had planned for our family. i wonder how it is that some woman would choose to have a c section as a first choice? 10 days past since our "emergency" c section and i am still sore and unable to manuever my daughter in and out of bed comfortably , or side latch night nurse. i'm barely present for my toddler, and watch him develop understandings of pain and trauma that are well beyond his 3 yr old ability to grasp. our entire daily rhythm which i've worked so hard to create has crumbled beneath the weight of the surgery. i watch jacob tirelessly take on not only all of my old daily chores of laundry, making food and keeping the house sane...but also taking on Banyan's care, as well as caring for me, going to work, and helping me with night feedings when I can't get out of bed in time to console my daughter.

I wonder again...why would anyone choose a c section for their family. I feel robbed of the early bonding experience which I experienced with birthing Banyan. With this "birth", as much as I LOVE and ADORE my daughter...I feel so much pain in my heart and within my body, that it is challenging for me put aside.

After leaving the hospital, I was given a script for oxcycodones and a script for antibiotics for that "placental infection" the MD was SO convinced I had. He still arrogantly stands by his diagnosis despite the negative results of the tests...he claimed "there are false negatives all the time" i'm so frustreated by our western medical world which does not inteegrate natural healing/nutrition into its box.

I took the pain medication for the first day after getting home and found myself cranky, unresponsive to my daughters needs, and disconnected from my body's ability to heal itself. The next morning, I put them away and began my self prescribed natural healing journey which goes something like this......

PRENATAL VITAMIN for energy

OMEGA MOM VITAMIN 4x daily to keep stools soft

Zinc 50mg 2x daily

1 emergency packet/day

arnica 30c 4x daily

homeopathic staphasagria 30c 3x daily to heal surgical wounds

ignatia 200c 1x daily for grief and trauma

acontium nappellus 30C 2x daily to help malaya recover from panic/fear of birth

homemade mama milk tea 2x daily (raspberry, fennel, fennuegreek, chamomile, lavender, and passionflower)

carrot spinach apple juice daily

eating lots of oats for milk production

protein protein protein!!!!!

lots of salads, KALE, pineapple and cocoanut water

cornsilk tincture as well as GSE in water to prevent any infection of the urinary tract or uterus

calendula and lavendar oil for wound healing

quercetin with bromelain for swelling and inflammation

meditation and the use of a six pointed rose quartz

and yes while i'm in "pain". I can see it as a blessing..... i feel able to recover more fully and actually HEAL instead of masking the symptoms....our family will get through this tough time....its going to take some time though. We're STRONG and growing daily!

Time to sleep for now...hopefully we'll get some photos posted on here soon, another part of the healing process!!! Once Malaya is latching properly and I feel more able to move around, I'll be posting more about this experience, and sharing a bit of Malaya's personality, which we are growing to love :)

a brief story from the 6am feedings...

2009-03-20T05:48:00.003-04:00

Ms. malaya shaelynn quinn arrived last thursday March 12th at 6:15pm. 6lbs 12oz 19 inches long. (we'll have some photos when we're not so sleep deprived)

We enjoyed a 3 hr unassisted home breech birth in a birthing pool. My friend Nicole and Jacob were my support team, my mother had Banyan for the afternoon he was in and out and able to witness me in labor for short periods of time. During the last stage of labor, my water bag broke and as Malaya was starting to descend, I felt her feet coming out first, (not her butt in frank breech position like we had anticipated) I reached up inside myself, felt my dilation and realized that I was not fully dilated yet, though my urge to push was VERY strong and could not be held off.

With a breech birth, what is most important is to NOT PUSH and allow for the cervix to fully dilate ensuring the head wont' get caught, and there will be no cord prolapse. As well, the heart should be monitored reguarly to ensure she is not in distress. Our fetascope was pretty old school and could only be used with me on my back :( and once she was in the birthing canal, we could not detect a heart beat with it. "something just doesn't feel right" I told Nicole and Jacob...In that moment, I made the best decision I could to ensure Malaya's SAFE arrival. We called 911, and were transfered to Sarasota Memorial Hospital. Since they WILL NOT deliver a breech vaginally, (even though her feet were almost hanging out of me at the time) I was rushed off to an emergency c-section.

Despite the hospital outcome, I am grateful that I was able to labor naturally and give my daughter the benefits of a drug free natural birth as much as possible. Once I was on the ER stretcher, my contractions which were 30 sec apart were SO SO painful (unlike at home in the birthing tub) I was told I had to lie on my back to prevent her from being born. (TRYING TO SLOW DOWN LABOR IS NOT NATURAL) During the 8 min ambulance ride, I was praying to God, once I got to the hospital, I begged them to knock me out because the pain of being on my back with a breech labor was SO intense I could not handle it. They acutally had my pelivs tilted in the air above my heart. My wish is that the hospital staff would have been trained on breech labors instead of fearing them, I may have been able to have a fully vaginal delivery if there were a skilled doctor on hand.

It is illegal in the state of FL for a midwife or Dr. to attend a breech birth, though it is done naturally all over the world. If I had a skilled midwife in attendance, I know I would've had the support necessary to hold off that urge to push and hear my babies heart beat and relax to full dilation and deliver successfully. It was something that we bravely attempted ourselves, and once something did not feel right, gave into the mercy of the hospital system to ensure her safety. "IN DARKNESS ON A RAINY DAY, GO INTO THAT DARKNESS" is the quote that read on our zen calendar that day. I am grateful that Malaya is here safely and that we are BACK AT HOME and recovering from the poor treatment we received at the hospital. (LONG STORY)

In this recovery stage, we are asking for as much help as possible, what we need most is an extra hand around the house while Jacob is at work to do dishes, laundry, bring by some food, keep an eye on Banyan etc..until my body is fully healed, (atleast 2 more weeks till i'm feeling somewhat more normal) I am able to walk around some, but unable to lift anything more than the baby, or be on my feet for more than a bit here and there. I've stopped taking pain medication and have taken a completely natural holistic approach to healing my body. Literally, just stop by, I don't have time to check emails and answer phone calls. We thank everyone for the support, prayers and blessings that have already been offered! We feel blessed to live in a community of AMAZING friends who were there at the hospital the day after surgery encouraging me to continue to eat my organic foods and fight off the hospital staff's medical advice to continue unneccessary drugs.

Our biggest challenge presently is NURSING! During those first few days in the hospital, Malaya was taken from us, and placed in the neonatal unit where she was give a pacifier, and bottled soy formula. I was unable to nurse her "because of the drugs I was on from surgery" A breast pump was not even brought to our room until day 2. We later found out the hospital staff assumed we were "unfit parents" because we were doing an unassited birth at home, they called DCF on us, ran drug tests and placental infection tests on Malaya all of which came back negative or course. I was barely able to see her, Jacob spent hours a day holding her in the neo unit feeding her formula until the tests came back negative. Day 3, she was FINALLY able to spend the night in our room....we got one good latch with the help of the lactation consultant and we took her home the next morning. Suffice to say, our nursing bond was damaged through this process, Malaya wont latch unless there is milk pouring into her mouth like a bottle. We are using a SNS system and pumping franticly to get back on track. Sometimes we have to give her my breastmilk in a bottle so that she doesn't PANIC and scream from that not so full feeling of having 3 oz of formula shoved into her tiny belly. It is a healing process, and we're slowly working our way back to the zen atmosphere that was present before the hospital entered our lives.

the bright mother

2009-03-09T13:52:00.003-04:00

The bright mother reminds us to give freely of ourselves...expecting nothing in return. She represents primordial wisdom at its finest. When her energy is blocked we can become cruel and full of fear.

It seems fear is prevalent in our culture and our job is to align with the higher forces, be present with them....allow them to guide us...we must have FAITH and the COURAGE to know that everything will happen at JUST the right moment, according to natural laws.

The one lesson that i've continuously been faced with is overcoming fear demons. They come up ALL the time. It is what causes me to become angry, frustrated, violent, worry some. Most people are so plagued by fear, that they cannot even live life to the fullest. Always the source of that stems from fear, fear of lack of love, fear of lack of time, fear of lack of energy, fear of failure, fear of success. If we look at our actions, and trace them back to their source, we can see that FEAR is the opposite of LOVE. If we call upon the singers of courage to assist us, we find that we can overcome those fears with the power of faith and prayer.

Jacob looks at me and wonders, why all the stress? Why all the worry? Where is your faith?

Faith is something we find in places like when people "randomly" cancel plans when I didn't want them to be here anyways..(like the window installation people today who's truck broke down on the way here) Or you can find it while sitting past my own discomfort for a moment, (like waiting in a busy restaurant starving waiting to be fed, feeling like you're going to break down from blood sugar loss and then magically at the precise right timing, right before you're ready to stand up and leave, the plate arrives and everything turns zen.

We're sitting patiently, with faith, that things happen at JUST the right moment.

morning contemplation

2009-03-08T09:03:00.004-04:00

here is an excerpt from EVERYDAY BLESSINGS: THE INNER WORK OF MINDFUL PARENTING by Myla and Jon Kabat-Zinn

"We can choose to continue to go on with our automatic and sometimes cruel behavoir, which in some ways may feel familiar and comfortable because we may have grown up with it; or we can stop and try to see more clearly behind our own intense reaction in that moment. We can try, despite ourselves, to see with fresh eyes, to ask ' what am I doing RIGHT NOW? why am I reacting so strongly in this situation? where is it going to take me if i keep going in this direction? what does my child need from me in this moment? what choices do I have here?"

I really enjoyed this thought which I found posted on the Waldorf forum this morning.

I spoke with a good friend yesterday about how so much of our parenting and response systems are not only learned, but become over time, addictive. How we as adults crave drama and chaos (perhaps not consciously) Physiologically speaking, drama, yelling, hitting, escalating situations give us a rush of sorts, fight or flight....this response system may be in place because there is a lack of ceratonin or naturally happy endorphins running through us. Its important to replace the fight or flight with more positive things before we let these addictive tendencies of ours control and harm our relationships.

Of course when we step outside of the situation, out of the moment, we can see in hind sight how we could have responded differently. In order for change to occur, its important to, IN THAT MOMENT, take a step back and evaluate. This takes enormous self control (something i've been working on diligently and can say is truly DIFFICULT for me) Over time...with self control, we can learn to RESPOND, rather than REACT (RE ACT).

good stuff to ponder as we begin to parent 2 children :)

1am....

2009-03-07T01:14:00.003-05:00

made all the food in the house

walked 3 miles

scrubbed the toilets and tile (again)

swept the floors

kinky wonderful sex

walked on the beach

got my tummy some sun and sand

pulsatilla 200C

basil pesto dinner

sweet potatoes

my friend Michelle's labor massage oil ALL over my body

broke down crying x 3 today

rescue remedy

clary sage

prayers

and still.....

not here yet.

we'll keep you posted

tick tock tick tock...

2009-03-06T08:39:00.003-05:00

So today is the official "due date"

I'm waiting Malaya!!! YOU CAN COME OUT NOW PLEASE!!! (sigh)

yesterday I had a wonderful pregnancy massage while Jacob took Banyan out to play mini golf.

this morning; i had the "burst of energy" that everyone talks about...i mean its only 8:30 am and I 've already, walked 2 miles, cooked a sweet potato pie, about a pound of swiss chard, a cauliflower squash casserole, pesto egg sandwiches for everyone, a quart of raspberry tea, cleaned out the fridge...

and did I mention the rest of the house is spotless, all the laundry's folded and clean, the house has been repainted, has new curtains, a new sink faucet, a fully stocked fridge complete with labor snacks, an infinite assortment of frozen fruits and raspberry tea ice cubes....AND an pretty impatient cranky mama. (every noise is bothering me right now)

so now what to do? watching Banyan play with the mysterious lincoln log set that randomly showed up at our door yesterday afternoon during nap time. listening to Jacob snore in the other room, waiting for my mom to show up to take Banyan to his free morning drum class at Rosemary Court...

and waiting, waiting, waiting for a contraction or two to start. (PLEASE!!!) As much as I've enjoyed the past 9 months, I'm really ready for this pregnancy to be over! We've had the ringer off on the phone for about a month now...I'm tired of answering phone calls asking, "did she flip?" or "is she here yet?" I'm kinda tired of hearing all of the unsolicited advice on what yoga poses and activities I 'should be doing' etc.... She'll come when she's ready...and she'll come out how she wants. Till then...

I'm waiting...

watching the time pass..

2009-02-28T10:18:00.003-05:00

time is moving slowly, rhythmicly, over here at the Quinn house.

We've made some adjustments on Malaya's due date, which is more like the 6th of March instead of the 28th of February. The extra time is being spent painting the lanai, going for trips to Target to pick up some last minute curtains, and home decor items, dying all of my white stained clothes dark brown, finishing up Banyan's baby book, starting Malaya's, and staring out the back porch watching the squirrels eat the fallen acorns.

Oh how we love home improvements...my capricorn man is working hard painting right now.

Banyan's busy in the backyard with his tractors making roads, my mama is out taking some time alone, and I"m lying down staring out the window watching life pass by. Reflecting upon this past year..last years spring brought us Jacob, this years spring brings us Malaya...I"m enjoying watching this little family grow. We are so blessed and have much to be grateful for!

back to the journal...

2009-02-20T11:05:00.004-05:00

last night amidst my nesting frenzy, I happened upon all of my old journals. (my dear journals) Back in the day, you wouldn't find me without it in my little sachel...I was sort of the quiet person who sat in the back of the room, observing, drawing and writing my life away. Then I found the camera and started adding photos to the journals. Then I became a mama, and foundBlogging has sort of taken the place of writing on paper. My mind works fast, and sometimes my hands can't keep up with the physical writing...i find typing to be a more efficient channel for my mental energy.

Alas, what made me realize the importance of the hand journal, was when I found Banyan's unfinished baby book :( I'd been writing him letters and collging photographs into a watercolor album since he was born. What a gift for him to receive when he is older! There are about 5 pages left to finish...(it ends where I met jacob) then his 0-3 album will be completed. I'm wondering, is this perhaps why Malaya hasn't come yet? LOL I simply haven't finished the story and literally written Jacob fully into our family album yet. (shame on me)

I also never started one for her...so this afternoon, I'm actually LEAVING the house with Jacob to acquire the crafting supplies necessary to finish up Banyan's album and start one for our little girl. Perhaps channeling all this creative energy will get the houses love juices flowing and she'll wiggle her little but out sooner than later.

let them marry!

2009-02-19T10:21:00.003-05:00

http://www.couragecampaign.org/page/s/divorce

i know we can't all agree on this issue...but honestly, how can you forcibly divorce people who are already committed into a LOVING healthy marriage?

but please take a moment to check out this video and sign the letter to the state supreme court. There is NO reason why committed loving couples should not be allowed to marry, or stay married.

getting silly

2009-02-17T09:57:00.007-05:00

despite the smile on my face, I've got to tell you, this belly is getting rather uncomfortable to tote around...

jacob, my dearest darling, thinks its pretty funny to take photos of me unexpectedly

we're getting pretty darn silly (and exhausted) these last few nights...

its the anxiousness coming out in laughter, I mean how else do you prepare for a homebirth? In high school we described it as "happy mental guy" You know, the smile that sort of creeps out after midnight, when you're super tired, but can't seem to sleep...he eventually forces us to laugh out loud to relief the stress.

you get silly, REALLY silly.... I'd much rather go into labor laughing than crying....

or you could take Banyan's approach and figure out ways to take over the world!

pretty intricate little crane system he's developed here. He's been busy, really BUSY lately, making cranes, decorating the trees with pine cones, picking oranges, and making playdooh cakes for himself.

I've been making lots of food...STILL.

My favorite morning smoothie is the following

1 cup orange juice

6 strawberries

1 banana

1/2 cup kale

2 tbsp nutritional yeast

sounds strange, but its full of VIT C and you can't taste the kale. :)

THE PREPARATIONS

2009-02-14T09:50:00.003-05:00

preparing to homebirth takes ALOT of work on the part of the VERY pregnant mama. My cleaning impulses are strange, EVERY part of the house must be clean, even under the stove, and the hidden crevices of the fridge that i've not even seen before? perhaps its just my instincts trying to put my body into labor? I've washed the floors and scrubbed the tubs 3 times in the past 2 weeks. I think its the hands knees position that i'm craving...wanting to put malaya into a good spot for labor.

this morning we made an insane amount of food to freeze and store in the refrigerator. The menu includes, asian sesame steamed green beans, chicken/rice casserole, bragg marinated chard, millet cocoanut pudding, raw almond freezer fudge, a HUGE batch of millet crunch granola, a loaf of banana walnut bread, several jars of nettle, raspberry and alfalfa tea, and frozen raspberry tea ice cubes to munch on while in labor. All in a mornings work :)

cranberry orange muffins to come soon! So now, i'm tired, and ready to nap LOL

Here is our recipe for FREEZER FUDGE (our adaptation of the recipe from RAW FOOD, REAL WORLD) or as Banyan refers to them "chocolate candy" I feel good about giving them to him as they are mainly just little bursts of protein.

1/2 jar raw almond butter

1/2 jar raw cashew butter

1/4 cup maple syrup or agave

1tsp sea salt

1 heaping tablespoon of cocoanut oil

1/4 cup of carob powder

mix together in a mixing bowl, then spread out onto a 9x9 baking pan and put in the freezer, after an hour, slice them into squares and store in the freezer in a ziplock bag. LOVE THESE!

Here is the recipe for the granola

MILLET YUMMY GRANOLA

2 1/2 cups of rolled oats

1 cup uncooked millet

1/4 cup sunflower seeds

1/4 cup pumpkin seeds

1/2 cup tahini

1/4 cup maple syrup or honey

2 tbsp water

at 250 roast the oats and millet on a baking sheet for 1 hr.

on the stove warm the tahini, sweetner and water until combined well. Pour over the roasted oats, millet, add the seeds and spread on the baking sheet and roast for an additional 30 min at 275, let cool then eat with some yummy home made goat or cashew yogurt and fresh berries!

the waiting game

2009-02-11T21:51:00.004-05:00

I can't think of a more beautiful way to be inside the womb....right side up, head closest to her mama :)

These beautiful images come from Sulamith Wulfing :)

I saw this one of the woman, child and tree. My little Banyan tree....my lap has no more room for Banyan these days. I feel sad and am looking forward to having the space for two again. He is in much need of my cuddles and love which are growing more and more sparce as my hormones get crazier and my belly gets larger.

clearing the path...

2009-02-11T13:39:00.005-05:00

BEHOLD THE BOUGAINVILLEA BLOOM!!!

inner mind processing dreams, making way for this new reality, children, family, HOME.

The one part I LOVE about labor is when you initially rush, you start to throw up and poop yourself all at the same time :) LOL most women I assume aren't so into that part of it all, but for me, I find its just my body clearing the way for the life force to come through. I sit in anticipation of that moment.

These past couple of weeks have been filled with alot of unneeded stress about Malaya's "low fluid" diagnosis. We had another (and THE LAST) ultrasound I'm going to allow on this little girl, and the tests showed that my fluid is completely normal 10cm, not 3cm like the last radiologist told us.

I read an article that talked about there being "forces that don't want us to succeed" in life. So true, that everywhere you look for answers, you are met with doubt, fear, pain, anxiety...but when you really look within, its quite easy to find peace, its just about telling all those little chatterboxing thoughts in your brain (the ones that keep you up at night) to SHUT UP AND GO AWAY!!!

I cannot stress enough, the importance of refuting your own negative self talk, find the source of where its coming from and squash it, QUICKLY, before you do something stupid. Once its cleared out, QUICKLY, VERY QUICKLY spread some LOVE, spread it to your children, through your whole house, love your food, the animals, the annoying neighbors, the leaf blowers that wake you up at 8am...LOVE EVERYTHING around you.... marinate in these love juices for a few weeks and sure enough the path (which may have been concealed) will now be abundantly clear...

so then all you've got to do is start on that road.......but thats a whole other blog!

talking myself through it...

2009-02-10T01:48:00.004-05:00

There is no coincidence how most of the time, when we are in our scariest moments, we are only faced with opportunities for god to remind us of what we already know. OUR STRENGTH!!!

These past few nights I keep waking up in the middle of the night with the anticipation of my water breaking and going into intense labor, only to find, I'm still pregnant and simply full of anxiety. Some nights the anxiety becomes intense, and I'll have to sit down with some red raspberry tea, chamomile oil or rescue remedy and coax myself to back to sleep. Each and every night this happens, I'm met with a barn owl who sits outside our home whoooing his nightly tune...sending me peacefully back to sleep. This owl is one of gods messengers, reminding me of my inner wisdom and strength...

All is well, it will happen when its time, calm, relax and...GO BACK TO SLEEP!!!

Here's to the nightly reminders as they prepare my soul for the next phase of motherhood (2 children!!!) Alas, its a full moon this evening...much more challenging to fall asleep than other nights. I watch the time pass, 12am, 1am, 2am...4am...and, shit i'd better get SOME sleep before banyan wakes up....

God always provides us time to do our inner work as mothers, even if it is at 2am when the rest of the house is quiet. Carpe Diem!

we heart our family

2009-01-29T21:40:00.006-05:00

OH the ANTICIPA......TION!!!

Wet on wet water color painting is one way that we show reverence in our home. We do it about once/month to celebrate whatever holiday or season is passing through. It is a process that we treat sacredly! The painting fairies bring us the seasons colors, and we watch the colors come alive on the paper. We gathered our materials: soaked our hemp paper, prepared the paints and waited until the paper was ready, sponged off the excess water and began painting our valentines day hearts to decorate the windows.

banyan is in awe at how the paint dances across the paper!

he spent about 40 minutes filling in the entirety of the three hearts I cut out.

we are careful to use ONE color at a time, so as to develop a sense of that color fully before moving on to the next. Halloween we made orange pumpkins, and for valentines day red hearts!

They are now hung in our windows, along with my new curtains. (which i still have to dye)

We heart our new growing family! February 13th will be Jacob and I's one year anniversary! Just goes to show what a difference one year can make!

da big ol' belly and family....

2009-01-26T21:05:00.005-05:00

So here's the big ol 36 week pregnant belly in all its Sarasota sunny Florida glory!!!

We had the opportunity to take some family portraits tonight at Lido Key. Celebrating Jacob's second day off from work!!! (a miracle)

Banyan loves his little sister Malaya

Looks like he wants to eat her in the photo :) LOL

So how did that baby get in there mama??????

We're loving the Florida weather this time of year!!! cool evenings, mild afternoons. A great time to birth a baby. We look forward to meeting her in just a few weeks!!!

enjoying life

2009-01-22T14:09:00.004-05:00

how many of us actually take a moment to simply ENJOY life? it seems we're always rushed off to the next event....work, parties, holidays, chores etc...

I started to realize this 35th week of pregnancy the importance of simply SLOWING DOWN and being present within my surroundings. It means shutting off the phone ringer and taking a nap with Banyan on our new lamby skins. It means not getting up to sweep the floor everytime something spills. It means saying no to the invitations to 'get out and go somewhere'

I'm really just enjoying being here, building this little nest, with Jacob with my little man in tow....making food all day long, watching him grow and watching the fish swim around in their little tank, reading books, washing baby clothes and all the mundane things that "housewives" do :) The social gatherings can wait, the phone calls can wait, and hopefully this little girl swimming around inside me will wait until my mom arrives in town (feb 22nd) Till then, its just chilling out and enjoying what I have around me....what more could I ask for anyways?

down time....

2009-01-20T20:40:00.003-05:00

new couch :)

new hand sewn curtains in the making

new light fixtures in the living room

happy hangup hangs

finished wool blanket felted

rests on hammock

waiting.....

banyan sleeps

candle burns

wind blows outside

new windows coming soon

I love the inner silence winter brings

no place to be

other than here

right now

WINTER

2009-01-15T19:39:00.006-05:00

We got the call last Monday that Jacob's grandmother had passed away. We were on a plane to Rochester Wednesday afternoon to join his family in saying goodbye to the rock of their family. Jean Quinn raised 8 children and over a dozen grandchildren. I never got the chance to meet her myself, but through attending her funeral and meeting the family she's left behind, I can say without a doubt that she was an amazing woman. Her kindness and unconditional love was shown to Banyan and I through her family's open arms, as they welcomed us into their family.

Fit with beer bottle caps and carrots in hand, here we have Aunt Bridget who found us some eyes and nose for our Banyan's first snowman. This was our first evening with our new family :) Already I'm loving the Irish!

The time up north gave Jacob and I some much needed time together. With all the hours he works down here in FL, we rarely see one another.

Here's my BIG snow angel

and here we have my little snow angel :)

and inside this here belly is my third little angel who was too cold to stay outside for too long. With the help of the Quinn family gatherings, I gained a whopping 11lbs in two weeks! YIKES!!!!! The midwife suggested slowing down a little on all the family food, I still have 6 weeks to go and am tipping the scales at 155lbs!

Banyan enjoyed his airplane ride home, and we've been reacquainting ourselves with our little nest. As Malaya's due date grows closer, so does our family. I'm grateful to have finally met everyone in Jacob's family! I can see much more clearly how God has truly blessed us. Malaya now has the best Guardian angel she could've imagined, Jacob's dear grandma Quinn who is smiling down on us all, she'll be missed!

mama's little helper....

2009-01-03T22:23:00.006-05:00

it was that time of day when I start to hear "i'm hungry mama" even after i just fed him his afternoon snack. Dinner preparations were not to start for at-least another hour. What to do???? We took out some of mama's old spaghetti jars from the recycling bin, and got to peeling them. Banyan LOVES to peel things, oranges, garlic, stickers, crayon wrappers, and yes, even the labels off old jars. What he loves MORE than peeling, is being able to pour anything. This is BIG work for such a little man. He asked me "Jacob's working mama?" he's sad that Jacob works all the time. So I told him, "you can work too!!!" I set up the bottles to peel, and watched him for 1 1/2 hrs meticulously peel off the labels off two jars and then pour the quinoa and raisins out of their bags and find homes. He felt so satisfied putting them into the cupboard in their spot. "i work like jacob, make money buy food" Yup, you can work JUST like Jacob Banyan" and so he had his first official day of work in mama's kitchen.

Then there is always work to be done in Banyan's new kitchen! He spent time preparing his owls some acorn soup and steamed veggies.

its nice to see everyone's contribution to his kitchen! Grandma marsha purchased the kitchen for his birthday/christmas, Grandma Bettyann purchased the pots, pans, plates and slicing food, Tina and Cadence gave us some lovely acorns from Georgia which have served as many things, including "raisins", "chocolates" "meatballs" and even "bird eggs" LOL

We acquired the lovely lavender felted "mixing bowl" from Nicole at Holly's holiday party. Add a few goodwill spoons and a handfelted Waldorf school made pumpkin and its his new favorite passion. COOKING!!!

my new year....

2008-12-31T21:40:00.002-05:00

9:46 pm

the menu:

moon shaped homemade spelt honey biscuits

ginger brew

lauryn hill unplugged mixed with

waterdeep

orlando memories

stuffy nosed

sleeping banyan

flatulence

growing belly kicking

love working till the am

chapped lips reminding me to drink some water

blank stares at the wall

nostalgia

curiosity

hope

faith

trust

dreams and pocketfuls of.................

patience

gnomies

2008-12-29T12:08:00.005-05:00

today we made up some colorful gnomies out of some of Banyan's old wooden people who needed new jackets for the new year :) (green gnomie is still awaiting his, as we're out of green felt)

colors are not "taught" to the children directly in Waldorf schools, rather through the process of imitation, they learn. He never has had a problem identifying "yellow gnomie" from "orange gnomie" but if you ask him which COLOR is yellow he'll point to the green one. Funny how that works....

our holiday season....

2008-12-27T19:42:00.004-05:00

Our holiday season began with the ending of Banyan's birthday, and the beginning of Advent leading us up to Christmas. We decorated our nature table with a rosemary tree, found pine cones, a snowy white owl, holiday gnome, handmade star, and the Angel who slowly came down to Earth from the heavens to bring us Jesus. Each day, the angel moved down along with the snowflakes, closer to the snowy earth and on Christmas morning, a baby appeared for Banyan to see. For each of the nights of Advent, we light up the tree

In Waldorf tradition, Advent is a time of looking inward to find your inner light amidst the darkness of winter. It occurs during both the time of Winter Solstice/days up till the birth of Christ, or, "the son" or as some people simply refer to its literally as "the sun". The days begin to be longer than the nights once again, as the sun returns to earth. It can be seen as natures triumph over darkness, which many spiritual seekers have echoed through their own personal development.

On each of the four Sunday's before christmas, a candle is light on a tabletop wreath, each honoring one of the four elements. I've enjoyed bringing this new tradition into our home.

Banyan thinks that "Santa" is simply a fat red gnome. He knows that gnomes/elves make and bring gifts for children, as they tend to leave little surprises for him around the house throughout the year, so he didn't think much of it when we saw him at the Selby Gardens "lights in bloom" and the big red gnome gave him a candy cane. On christmas morning, we exchanged a minimal amount of gifts between Jacob, Banyan and I. These gifts were from one another, not the big red gnome :) We decided to exchange gifts as an expression of our graditude for the "gift" of Jesus' birth.

Its a tough thing to do, creating new family traditions, ones that have meaning and still somehow resonate in your heart and new found beliefs as an adult. We don't want to teach Banyan and Malaya that Christmas is a time to receive, or be a frenzied consumer, yet we DO want to celebrate what we value most about the holidays: FAMILY, GIVING, FOOD, FRIENDS, WINTER SOLSTICE, and our relationship with GOD and the EARTH.

This year we gave Banyan the gift of music, he received a Table Harp from us and hasn't put it down since he received it. I received the gift of touch, a 1 hr professional massage :), jacob received the gift of coffee! LOTS OF IT TOO, complete with a grinder, and spill proof travel mug to keep him awake as he works his crazy 50-plus hours/week. And our unborn little Ms. Malaya received a new car seat and lambskin rug to snuggle up on :)

And so begins our new year shortly! A time to look inward, reflecting upon that which is old and needs releasing, and that which is new and needs accepting. What will your new year bring?

3 years!

2008-12-19T20:38:00.015-05:00

Banyan is now 3! He woke up to a royal breakfast of french toast as we placed his birthday crown upon his head. We will mark each years passing up till the age of 7 on this here crown. Felted, and handmade in the wee hours of the night by mama bear.

We celebrated his birthday at Whitaker Park potluck style with many of our wonderful friends! We couldn't have asked for a better day, the bay was calm, the children played joyfully, and Banyan turned into a tree climbing lion :) I felt blessed to have shared our day with such amazing friends...my heart was touched as I heard everyone's voice mold together into a huge "happy birthday to you" This is the first of Banyan's birthdays where we have had a group of friends that I consider our extended family....as well this was the first of his birthdays where he was actually aware and could remember. He felt so so loved!

A few days following our friend Lynne took us up to Bradenton to visit the many animals at a horse shelter. Banyan got his first real horse ride! All of the eating he has done over the past year, awarded him the opportunity to be a "big boy and ride horses" His first ride was on "shorty" a docile and happily carrot fed pony.

While I"m not so into horses, I simply adore baby cows ;)

His third birthday was also marked by having his "own room". My mama purchased him a BEAUTIFUL kitchen from Elves and Angels. His grandma Bettyann provided all the pots pans, and food, and VOILA we have a chef in the making, his grandpa Ron would be proud!

We are so happy with the the effect of the Lazure painting that I did in his room. (the photos don't do it justice, but it really adds depth to the room)

We are grateful for the many gifts that he has been given to celebrate his 3rd year of life with us. A particularly cherished book is from Ms Connie our Parent child Waldorf teacher. He recieved a number of books written by Sibylle Von Offers, I adore them so so much, and Banyan spends hours zoning into the photos daily and telling me what he thinks the story means.

I am grateful to my mother for spending his birthday week with us, Banyan felt so special and loved! His temperment has shifted drasticly since his birthday, and I feel it has much to do with the abundance of attention and love from Grandma Marsha and all of our friends :)

I should also mention, the raccoon is doing well and spends his days being carried around our home blessing the rooms with lavender fragrance and enjoying a meal or two provided by Banyan himself. Things like acorn soup, and pumpkin pie are his favorites!

FORGIVENESS...

2008-12-18T21:06:00.003-05:00

I came across this and found it interesting to ponder. This holiday season, lets give one another the gift of forgiveness, to ourselves or anyone that we harbor resentment towards....there is only growth and liberation to come from such a process.

THE FOUR STAGES OF FORGIVENESS

To FORGO- to leave it alone, not to overlook but to become agile and strong at detaching from the issue

TO FORBEAR- to abstain from punishing. To have patience, to bear up against, to channel emotion. To practice generosity

TO FORGET- to avert from memory, to refuse to dwell, to forget is an active, not a passive endeavor. Conscious forgetting means willfully dropping the practice of obsessing, intentionally outdistancing and losing sight of it, not looking back, thereby living in a new landscape, creating a new life and new experiences to think about instead of the old ones.

TO FORGIVE- to abandon the debt. It is a conscious decision to cease to harbor resentment, which includes forgiving a debt and giving up one's resolve to retaliate. How does one know if one has forgiven? You tend to feel sorrow over the circumstances instead of rage, you tend to feel sorry for the person rather than angry with them. You tend to have nothing left to remember to say about it all. You understand the suffering that drove the offense to begin with. You prefer to remain outside the millieu. Youhave turned out to be a happily ever after, but most certainly there is now a fresh once upon a time waiting for you from this day forward.

absence...

2008-12-13T20:00:00.003-05:00

I tell people, when you don't hear from me, its a good sign...when you do hear from me, its because something is wrong. I'm by nature a hermit, I live in my own little world and come out when I need food/water/love and such. Well I haven't written for a few days because I've been really busy crafting and spending time with my mama in my little hermit world.

I"ve accomplished more in this past week than I have in months. Having my mother present reminded me of just how productive I can be in terms of crafting. In one week I accomplished the following (photos to come soon)

I tie dyed atleast a dozen onsies and t-shirts for Banyan and Malaya

I made a organic cotton fleece sleepsack and matching hat for Malaya

I sewed up a rocking chair cushion and cushion back

Made a bean bag out of an old tapestry

cut up a few old tapestries to make rag rugs

needle felted 3 little bears for Banyan for Christmas

I crocheted up 2 matching organic cotton face cloths for the kiddo's

I appliqued mother goose nursery rhymes onto 1/2 of Malaya's new t-shirts

I puffy painted the rest "grown with love" and "treehugger trainee"

We fixed the holes in the walls (from door knobs) and painted them to look new

Threw a wonderful birthday party for Banyan man who is now 3!!!

Redecorated our nature table for winter

and still had some spare time to cuddle with Jacob and read the many great books that Banyan received for his birthday.

GOOD TIMES!!! I"ll write more as I slowly move out of hermit mode, and back into the world.

Jacob's admirer....

2008-12-09T19:47:00.002-05:00

Today we got wind of Jacob's new secret crush....

we found him in the MISSED CONNECTIONS Male for Male section of the Sarasota Craigslist...

you must check it out :)

LOL

http://sarasota.craigslist.org/mis/946981179.html

We sent him a dissappointing email letting him know that not only was Jacob taken, but he was also not bisexual :)

our interesting story of the day LOL

Speaking Pictoraly.....

2008-12-05T21:35:00.002-05:00

I've been much more aware of how I speak lately now that Banyan not only repeats what I'm saying, but is deeply processing it and responding with questions to EVERYTHING!!!

A few weeks ago the infamous "why" became his new favorite word. Such is the emergence of the will and the early peeks into consciousness...

Through my reading of anthroposophy based books, I"m learning the importance of toning down the adult explanations and instead answering him pictorially. Children are not capable of abstract thinking until they hit around puberty. This is why in Waldorf schools myths and sagas are presented before science and philosophy. So what is speaking pictorially?

As AC Hardwood presents in his book "the recovery of man in childhood"

"It is right and proper to present the world to children in the form of pictures because it is natural to their consciousness. But it is important for other reasons as well. It preserves in their thinking the vigor of will with their full life of feeling---that is, whole heartedly---into the experience of thinking; and it keeps their thinking in touch with reality. The last contention will sound strange in an age accustomed to think of reality in terms of physical substance and scientific law. BUt if you explain such a thing as the formation of rain to a young child scientifically, the laws involved have no meaning for him, and he can only pretend to be thinking about the processes which are for him entirely unreal. On the other hand you can make a picture of God as the great gardener, who wishes to water all the fields and plains and forests of the earth, and takes the water from the seas as an adult takes water from a well, and lets the water fall so gently that it does not harm even the tenderest flower, and is yet so careful of the water that, when all the plants and creatures have drunk, it all runs pure and sweet back into the sea. If you speak in this manner, the child will see the world in terms he can understand, and his thoughts will be real thoughts."

When we speak to our children in terms they can actually understand, it preserves their childhood, leaving more room for their souls to develop fully into the body. When they're constantly left to ponder adult abstract thoughts, it in a way drains their little bodies. Like I've said before, its a weight they cannot yet bear until the abstract thinking capabilities are in place, (puberty) So goodness me......this means lots of rewording around this house!!!

With all of these questions being asked, I've learned a few tricks from Ms. Connie (Banyan's nursery teacher at the Waldorf school) Example 1: Mama, where did it go? Answer Hmmm... I wonder? and leave it at that. Example 2 Mama, where does it come from? Answer Hm...thats a good question. and leave it at that. When you reply with these types of answers, you're allowing the child to come up with his own answer instead of relying on you for the answers. Most often times, children are not even asking why in the way they think we are...they're simply wanting more from the subject. As well, its been observed in older children 5-6 that when you respond with "i wonder" they'll later come back and tell you what it is THEY'VE discovered for themselves. An example of this is when a little girl asked, "mama why does it snow" and later remarked "i know, it snows because the earth wanted a white dress on today" Now imagine if the adult had given her a run down of precipitation, she'd have been left confused and not have gotten the answer that SHE needed...which was something that came from herself.

As a mother I find myself wanting to explain all of these things to Banyan...why it rains, why it snows, why its cold, where things come from etc.... more often lately, I find myself on his level instead of in my adult brain...I am wondering myself these very same questions...WHY? WHERE? WHAT? Gosh, I'm 29 and although I've been explained over and over mechanically how a record player works....my child mind still doesn't understand how they capture sound into each of those bumps that can replay the music? There is truly magic out there!!! Some things just can't be explained! Each of us has our own answer to life's mysteries..why not let them figure it out on their own?

In the meantime, speaking pictorially is an effective skill for toddlers, not only does it help them to learn, but as well, it makes my mind work more creatively, how best to answer all of these questions effectively? I'd like to take a class on how to respond to children's questions VIA waldorf methods! That be a whole other blog!

FEELING BLESSED....

2008-12-02T19:30:00.003-05:00

So for my friends who have known me for a LONG time, this post might come as a shock?

I wanted to share the shift that is occuring within me because it feels so so good!

It started a few months back. I was sitting at a friends house and listening to them tell their other friend (who was visiting as well) how they had to "set the record straight" to other in the community. How their way of doing things was THE WAY to do them, and that if others didn't do it that way, then somehow they needed to be clarified, or taught the truth. I whole heartedly agreed with them on what the truth was, I too felt the way they did about the topic at hand, it was MY TRUTH as well. However, some part of me began to question how someone could tell someone else what "the truth or the way" was. The conversation was unsettling, and I decided to go home and contemplate what I had witnessed.

While I agreed with "the truth" I began to see how everyone has their own truth, and what works for one, might not work for another. So in a way, I agreed with "everyone's truth"

I could see valid points in everyone's reality...even if it wasn't the choice I would personally make. This experience was new to me. Prior to this, I had only seen my truth as well. I used to look at other peoples truths and think well they just haven't discovered THIS yet, and when they discover THIS like I did, then they too will be more evolved. I too felt that my choices were better than other people's choices, and that I somehow needed to awaken them. Much of my inner rage came from the feeling that not everyone felt the same way I did, and damnit, the world would be a better place if we all could do things the same, or atleast agree on basic principles.

These thoughts, feelings and anger that I harbored were hurting me. I used to blame that hurt on everyone around me. (well if they just weren't like that, I wouldn't feel this way) Now I feel like an asshole for having ever thought that :)

I took a hard look around me, at the company I kept, the thoughts I was feeling and realized that the qualities I didn't like in others, were in fact the qualities that I too was projecting. I had become a judgemental and insensitive bitch who subconsciously was on a mission to reform people around me. So I decided to start from inside, to reform myself. As this happened, I started to feel more compassionate of others decisions.

While I used to curse my single mama crohns disease status and take pity on my poor victim self, I now started to see it as a blessing. For if I had not had that experience myself, I would have remained a woman who was illusioned to believe that I was somehow better than someone else because of my choices. Because I was a single mother and had faced the most intense moments of sleep deprivation, anger, illness and depression....I was now able to see how it could happen to others. (in the past I thought that if someone was using misdirected anger at their child, or was depressed, or sick from a disease that it was somehow "their fault", like people with faults were somehow ignorant and needed to be enlightened) I cast people with faults out of my life. Simultaneously, the friends I once kept who's truth I agreed with cast me out of their lives for my faults. And again, I was humbled. Because I did not feel good to be judged for my faults.

So my actions were completely reflected onto me, and I've learned why people use the phrase. "though shall not judge"

Now the strangest (for me) law of attractions has occurred in recent weeks. Once I decided to rid myself of judgement of others, I met some new friends who embodied all the same qualities that I admired in my older friends, but were also free of their judgmental nature. The irony in it is that they are ALL in their early to mid 30's and are born again Christians. :)

I was invited to attend church with a friend and her husband a few weeks back. In the past I shyed away from any activity that included church or religion, (because I had in the past been met with judgemental Christians who felt that I needed to be saved...( I see some reflection here again!!!) however, in that present moment, I felt so open to the experience and decided to attend with Jacob and Banyan. What I experienced that afternoon was beautiful. What I experienced was a community of people who had all come together to celebrate God, love, beauty and triumph over their challenges and fears. I was listening to the music being played, looking up at the oaks overhead, watching children play amidst this environment of love and felt such harmony within myself. I could see the people around me filling up with the energy of the divine. I too felt divine energy beginning to enter me.

Jacob and I went home and admitted to one another how great we felt from that experience. I see now so clearly how every moment leads us to the next. How we meet certain people at certain times in our lives who help to reinforce our life lessons. Being in tune with those lessons is a divine experience, feeling your own growth is amazing! I am so grateful for having had these experiences recently, as its deeply affected my parenting journey. I am now more clearly able to feel my feelings and use my mind as a lighthouse to guide those feelings back to rational thought and be at peace. The result is that my anger is TRULY in check for the first time in years. I'm actually kind of shocked by the transformation I'm feeling within myself. While I've always been skeptical of religion (and still am to an extent) I think and feel that the spirit of Jesus healed my heart that day, as I can now hear that heart clearly through my clouded thoughts and am able to control my impulses before they control me. If I had been closed off in any way, this would not have been allowed to happen.

I am thankful to my friends who are not judgmental of my faults, and have had faith in my ability to conquer my anger demons, they are the ones who have helped to lift me beyond my victim mentality and closer to my light (which I always had faith was there under the rubble) Life certainly will throw more challenges my way, and as I conquer each little demon that comes , I grow more confidence in myself that I can defeat the next, for this I feel blessed!

fatherly love...

2008-12-01T21:13:00.002-05:00

I'm watching Jacob disable the sound and lights portion of the fisher price portable swing that our good friends Lisa and Roy gave to us. While I consider myself an attachment parenting kind of mama, I'm also anticipating times when, perhaps as needed? I may put her in the portable little swing so I can focus my attention onto little man while she doses off. Its hard to imagine, Banyan would never allow me to put him down, I thought all children were like that. Recently I've witnessed other babies who actually enjoy being put into a hammock or swing and rocked to sleep...so who knows what she'll be like.

I showed Jacob the swing and all of its capabilities, he looked at me, smiled, went and got a screw driver and got to work taking the blinking lights and sound system out of it. So now we have a primitive 8 speed swing on our hands, which is ready for me to make a new seat cushion for and I plan to decoupage the top with fairies to hide the blaring logos :)

I love this nesting thing....as I hear Jacob screaming out..."son of a bitch" to the baby swing as the screws fall out....I see in him fatherly love. LOL I mean how many men do you know would put such effort into making a baby swing less stimulating for their child?

waking up and growing down....

2008-11-29T21:32:00.004-05:00

I"m learning about Steiners idea of "the threefold man" through the book "THE RECOVERY OF MAN IN CHILDHOOD" by AC Harwood. Interesting stuff!!!

Steiner believed that there were 3 systems of the body, The head (which is in charge of thought), the rhythmical (which controls feeling) and the limbic (which is rooted in the will)

He observed that the rhtyhmical system was the mediator between thought and the will. There is rest in movement, as well as movement in rest. We are always following our internal and external rhythms.

The threefold rhythm of man happens in three seven year stages. birth-7 (up to the loss of milk teeth) is the stage of imitation...7-14 (up to the beginning of puberty) is the stage of authority, and 14-21 (when he believed full maturity to take place) is the stage of idealism.

Waldorf education takes into account these stages of development and applies the appropriate curriculum to meet each stage. Children in Waldorf kindergartens follow a basic "homelife" atmosphere free from direct teaching, (as is given in public and montesorri schools) and are instead given simple tasks to imitate, are surrounded by rich stories to facilitate language development, and are left to develop their imaginations to their fullest potential, free from adult thought.

It is observed that children are waking up, as they are growing down. "Growing down" is illustrated by how the heads proportions change with age. As a baby, it is 1:5, as they child gets older 1:10 and as and adult our head is 1:35 of the size of our bodies. This shows how our limbs are doing most of the growing, while our head size remains fairly consistent past the age of 7. It is around the age of 7, with the loss of milk teeth that the brain has developed to its fullest size. This is when the beginning stages of "waking up" occur. When the senses from the limbs begin to move upwards to the consciousness of the brain. Before the age of 7, children are not working from a sense of "knowing"anything, they are simply imitating what is around them.

This puts a WHOLE new spin on discipline for me. With this new found knowledge, I find myself fully understanding that Banyan's behavior is not something he is fully aware of, atleast not in the way that I thought him to be. When I say "NO, don't touch that" and he touches it, its not because he's not listening to me, or is disobeying....it is simply because his will to touch it is powerful (especially under the age of 3) and his limbic system is not working in conjunction with his thought system, nor will it fully until he's lost his first set of teeth.

So.....as I'm watching him growing down, I anticipate when he will start 'waking up' until then, I'm doing my best to not put unreasonable expectations on his behavior, for his "behavior" is more of a direct reflection of his will, than that of his consciousness. The will of a 3 year old is important to keep in tact....it is only through his senses that he can come to an understanding of the world around him. Thus it is crucial for me to enable him to experience the world, for most of its tastes, touches, and sounds (within the healthy boundaries of what is not too overstimulating)

Our job as mothers is not only to guide our children through this reality, but also, especially in the early years, protect them from sensory overload. Sensory overload is often attributed to the lack of intelligence as the children get older. When the senses are overstimulated, they seize up and do not grow to their potential...(Its the classic story of how David overcomes Goliath through his intelligence, not through his size.) So while it seems like a great idea now to bombard them with "educational" TV, and early reading programs, in the long run, it can dampen down their imagination...which is the cornerstone of intuition and facilitates the healthy function of the rhythmic system. Remembering that the rhythmic system is the mediator between the will and the head.

This to me translates to protecting them from direct teaching in the early years, and using the daily rhythms of the home, the seasons, the day/night etc...to guide them through, thus allowing the brain to develop to full maturity before its given too much weight to bear down on it. Yes it is very COUNTER CULTURE of me....

but I have to admit, much of what I learned in school has weakened my intuition. It seems our society is more concerned with obtaining money and status, than with evolving spiritually, we pass this idea on to our children, forcing them to "keep up" with modern technology, to advance before they are even ready....

What I have observed is that while people may be living longer because of the advent of drugs, they are also less ALIVE during their lives. People are dying in their 40's and 50's because of cancer...(my generation even younger than that) I feel there is a coorelation between these diseases and how we treat our body over its life span. Not only through nutrition, but also through stimulation, or lack there of. Also to be noted is the idea of how much one "consumes" in general. Its interesting stuff to ponder.

This puts great responsibility on the caretakers of children. In order to not have your children be too in their heads, you have to accept where they are at every stage of development and be willing to patiently hold your verbal tongue and explain that what they're doing is "wrong". Instead it seems the only tool we have in the early years is redirection. It takes a LOT of creativity to redirect of 3 year old out of "trouble"! This can be done most effectively by simply taking a child's hand and guiding him to what you WANT him to be doing. Now this is NOT the most convenient approach....it requires that us laptop using moms GET UP and direct our children rather than relying on words. (in admittance, this is what i find to be so frustrating!) As a full time mama, I get tired of having to constantly redirect Banyan with physical contact...it seems that words are easier...and gosh even resorting to threats can stop him in his tracks so much more effectively. (but then there's the chance that he won't actually understand what i'm saying and I'll have to get up anyways) But is this the most appropriate thing to do given what I've learned from Steiner's observations? NO, its not.

So i've been spending lots of time reworking my inner workings, reprogramming my parental response system, making leaps forwards and falling back a few steps here and there. It takes so much honesty and strength to look inside and see where we need improvement as parents. Its even harder to not feel guilty when we do something that we know we "shouldn't" be doing. I often wonder to myself, within the context of what i'm learning, where are you Jamie in your rhythm? If the rhythmic system is the mediator between the will and the head, then it would suffice to say that when our will is out of control, that the link between it and the head is missing...(you're out of rhythm) We all get out of tune...with parenting, its SO important to do what nourishes you as to reconnect with our own inner rhythm. This does not make us selfish, this makes us WISE. We live WITH our children, sometimes we confuse ourselves to think that we live FOR them. For how are we to bring our children into a place of calm in their most challenging moments if we ourselves are not that beacon of light providing them with warmth?

Through this pregnancy, I'm just starting to "wake up" as I watch my body grows outwards, the belly reaches towards the parallel, seeking new horizons for me to follow. Such a lovely new path to walk, towards clearer understandings and a healthier approach to parenting.

what we are thankful for...

2008-11-28T08:36:00.002-05:00

First and foremost, my mama and one another! OUR LITTLE GROWING FAMILY!!!

Jacob's job that supports us (we've been without for a while so we are especially thankful for the opportunity to work)

Our good friends Holly, Jason and Moriah who invited us along with their family's Thanksgiving celebration.

The amazing food that the Earth is able to grow for us, the hard working farmers who spend their days growing that food for us, and the love that goes into all the homemade goodies that we eat.

We're thankful for the sunshine down here in Florida, which keeps us healthy and warm :)

The fire ants who are starting to hibernate with the cooler weather and let our children play in the grass finally!

Waking up to leftovers!

Jacob's quitting smoking, and his healthy lungs that are in the process of being reborn.

Our new baby girl who is growing daily and reminds me to take good care of myself.

The opportunity that Banyan's tantrums give me to learn and grow.

The flowers that Banyan picked for me this morning.

Our dog sitting gig, which is keeping Banyan entertained and me hands free.

Having the whole condo to ourselves!

Having a working vehicle.

Our involvement with the Sarasota Waldorf School.

The ability to evolve, learn and grow.

The non judgemental friends who have stuck with us through our difficult times!

The squirrels that visit our backyard daily

The lovely books and kitchen that Banyan got for his birthday from my mother.

That I've survived 3 years of mothering and am still somewhat sane.

That I have a loving partner who is willing to stick with me through my crap.

how much we've grown together in the past 8 months.

The sun, the earth, god, the flowers, bees, the water, the mountains and all the stuff we watch in Planet Earth videos :)

and yes, again, each other... I don't know where I would be without my friends and family!

the adventures of Rocky and Banyan...

2008-11-26T16:46:00.003-05:00

This morning our new best friend showed up. ROCKY the beagle.

I found a dog sitting gig on craigslist for some extra holiday money, and am excited about the next few days we'll all get to spend together while Rocky's parents are visiting CT.

We started our day cuddling around the house, going for walks, and putting on a flute show for the poor dog. He's about 5 yrs old, SUPER mellow, and doesn't quite know what to think of Banyan. His head cocks to the side whenever Banyan gets loud, and he'll turn back and give me this look like, "make him stop please" Its nice to be on the same page about how loud Banyan is with someone...even if it is a dog :) We love rock, our family dog therapist, who knew?

Its been peaceful around here since he's arrived, and we'll be sad to see him go on Monday morning

Malaya is growing rather well, I"ll be 27 weeks at the end of this week!! The belly is getting bigger, as is my appetite. I've been eating huge hunks of salmon practicly every day, and mowing down walnuts and hemp seed milk...I feel like I could mow down an entire row of Jessica's Farm kale and collards. MMMMMMMMMMMMMM....

Happy Thanksgiving tomorrow!

tune in...tune out

2008-11-18T13:14:00.003-05:00

How is it that the mind can understand something, but our behavior can be opposite to that which we know to be correct?

The animal side of the brain kicks in where there is too much adrenaline running through it, and we revert back to what we were taught as children. This is why the first 3 fundamental years of childhood are the most crucial to protect and teach our children how to respond to stress stimulus. We can either choose to remain calm ourselves and take the responsibility for our own personal awarness/self control....or we can choose to explode and pass that pattern down to our children.

I began attending a waldorf book study group last night and started reading "the recovery of man in childhood" I've found the book to be affirming to my intuition on the importance of retaining innocence in the first three years. This innocence is to be held in tact so that the primary senses of the child (and not just the five we commonly know of) can be allowed to develop fully. Allowing the senses to develop fully before exposing a child to our adult logical mind can help the child to have a LONG life where they are able to live to their fullest potential.

It is believed that when we remove our children from child consciousness by placing adult consciousness on them too early, that it takes energy away from their developing organs and sensory system and places it into the brain prematurely. This is why children in early childhood programs at Waldorf schools are not "taught" directly through instruction and verbal commands, but rather through the use of imitation and flowing within a daily rhythm. An example of this would be to simply hold a child's hand and start to sing a song "off we go, through the woods....." and begin to walk to your destination..Rather than using "come on Banyan, lets go" which brings him up to his head.

Many people I know suggest that Waldorf is too sing songy and how can this child keep up with modern times if he's not taught to read and use a computer by the time he's 5. I would instead focus on what Waldorf succeeds in doing, (which other programs lack). They work within the child's stage of development MIND, BODY and SPIRIT. If psychologists are aware the children's cognitive development matures not until around the age of 7....then why do we teach our children to read before that age? Its like like asking a child to pick up a weight that is too heavy for them....it will stress the muscle and slowly over time, that muscle will atrophy.

If you look at things from a preventative stand point, then it would make more sense to let the child simply be a child until he/she is ready to begin to understand adult faculties, there in, you prevent the possibly of sensory development issues which are seen in older children who have come out of childhood prematurely.

When I came into mothering, I was a completely different person than I am now. While I was against TV, I didn't think that having him watch some non violent TV would be a bad thing, (planet earth, totoro etc...) From what i've observed in Banyan, I can say that I deeply regret having introduced him to such media at such a young age. His play is directly affected by what he sees on the screen. He doesn't understand the stimulus in the same way we as adults do. A child unlike a conscious adult becomes whatever is around him....his senses are so open and new that he feels it through his ENTIRE body, not just in his brain. So what does the TV FEEL like? Think about how you feel after watching an hour or two of TV. The lethargy, the stimulation...etc... Now amplify that, and that is what your child feels. While I once thought that it was ok for him to watch "happy peaceful things" on TV, I now don't even expose him to that...I don't want external media sources to BECOME my child....and thats what happens to us if we allow it to penetrate our worlds. We become the product of that which we consume.

What i'm having to work on mostly is my own self control as a mother. this is by far MY toughest work as a parent. I realize that I lack the awareness of what it is I'm even saying when i'm in my most heated moments, and it is those moments when things get out of tune that are the learning opportunities. Those are the moments when I can shape my childs animal brain that he will revert to as an adult. Thus it is crucial to maintain self control. Is it easy...? not really.....atleast not for me. When I do my best to maintain it, I'll come to tears because I wan't so badly to scream and know its not the best thing to do. Its such an intense restructuring of my cellular memory system to move beyond my learned behavior. It takes deep inner work to figure out the sources of your learned behavior and work beyond it. I'm not even fully convinced its possible to get through it all in once lifetime...but when you get beyond parts of it, it is deeply empowering and does wonders for your self esteem.

I've been hermitting quite a bit since i've become pregnant, mostly it is out of a need to put my reserve energy's into creating a new life....as well as preserving the innocence of the one i've already created. I find it challenging to go out into our modern world which directly desensitizes children at such a young age. I am disappointed when I go to waldorf groups and find that the children there have been watching TV/movies and bring that energy into their play...as then Banyan too picks up on this energy and begins to act aggressively, mimicking the play of the older children. The parents will remark, "the only way we can get him to eat his food is by putting him in front of the TV." as though they lack the control to simply shut if off completely and tune in with the child and eat. This child isn't even eating...he's passively shoving food down his throat while engaged in something entirely. How sad, that this child can not experience the joy of eating and taste. and we wonder why so many people end up with cancer and colon problems...(myself included)

The work i've done to heal my colon centered around the belief that every disease, no matter what it is linked to body, and MIND AND SPIRIT. So when I look inward, tune in, I find that I"m digesting too much junk...its getting backed up, inflammed and causing my colon to disfunction.....its not only with the food I eat, but with the words I hear, the words I sometimes speak, the company I surround myself with etc...life for me needs to be more digestable. I've always know I was a sensitive person, but society puts a label on that "oversensitive" and makes me feel ashamed for it. I'm finally learning that i'm not oversensitive, but that I live in a world which is insensitive, hence my desire to hermit so much. Its not a wonder I was born under the sign of the crab :)

We can all find the source of our diseases if we're willing to take an honest look at ourselves and tune into our feelings, or we can choose to tune them out and continue on passively taking drugs for all our problems.

It all begins with prevention...starting from the time a child is born. We do have the power to choose more wisely if we wish to, it can be hard work for certain. Taking the off beaten path can be really lonely, scary and you might feel doubt and confusion along the way...it may take longer to get where you want to go...but honestly the scenery is much better.

please take a moment to tune into your surroundings today. Don't think about them, just feel them. Use your feelings as a guide...and then take appropriate action based upon what you experienced. good stuff!!!

I LOVE MY LIFE...

2008-11-13T20:38:00.002-05:00

There are some days when I really LOVE MY LIFE!!!

today is one of those days :)

I've finished Lazure painting Banyan's room today thanks to the generous donations of some recycled paint from Ms. Connie, and Robert. Now Banyan's stark white walls are a shade of yellow peachy loveliness. (I'll post photos soon) There is such warmth in his room now, its amazing what some TLC and 3 days of painting will do. We are highly anticipating Banyan's birthday when he'll be able to walk into his room and see his fully equipped wooden kitchen. (BIG THANK YOU TO MY MAMA!!!) I"ve been scouring goodwills finding miniature pans and accessories for it. It brings me so much happiness to be able to provide my son with a wonderful home and finally his own bedroom in which to create his own little world!!! When we were done painting I started decorating and he came over to me and said, "you make my room pretty mama, thank you" and gave me a big hug and smile. I wanted to cry, it felt so good to see how all of my stay at home mamaness is truly nurturing his soul.

We recieved some new books in the mail today from my mama for Banyan's birthday...I"m in LOVE..."mother earth and her children" and "the story of the snow children" both by Sibylle von olfers. They bring the reader into the rhythms of the seasons in a magical and imaginative way, I look forward to sharing them with Banyan soon.

There are so many benefits to being able to stay at home with my family during these early years which our society tends to undervalue. We grow up with lots of "things" that money can buy, but how many of us needed the love and TIME of our parents instead. This house is growing its own soul, which then encompasses my family with warmth and a true sense of "HOME" For so many years, I undervalued the importance of home, traveling from place to place, living out of tents, backpacks, couches... and now as a mother, I fully see how the child needs a home to grow into. Something stable, secure, reliable, its what puts the soul at ease and allows it to fully incarnate into its body.

Its only within this stance of groundedness that one can launch himself fully into the world.

Nature illustrates all of the answers if we look close enough. The natural rhythms of day night, The seasons, fall, winter, spring summer, The universe moon, sun, stars. It provides us balance, a comfort, something SOLID. We always go to sleep knowing tomorrow will come. What comes? who knows, but tomorrow does.

These first few years of a child's life, when spent at home with the child, are an opportunity for the mother AND child to both grow together.... In order for the mother to do the work of motherhood, she NEEDS this sacred space in which to ground and "BE HERE NOW" so that she can best serve her family and her community. I see so many mothers disconnected from their child's needs, I too have been one of those mothers...working part to full time.

I remember the first time I left Banyan to go to work. He was only 3 months old. I cried the ENTIRE way to work, and was actually encouraged to be working, rather than staying at home with him. While I was working, a mother came into whole foods (i was the cashier) she was not responding to her infant son's screaming in the cart, as she swiped her credit card and carried on. I started lactating, and told her that if she didn't pick up her son (who had reached an intense level of distress by this point) that I would do it myself. She was shocked by my comment, but did so anyways. I questioned from that point on, what kind of society allows its children to "cry it out"? We wonder why we have wars, and people are greedy and materialistic. Why we are all in therapy and can't break bad habits and cycles. It all stems from the simple messages we were given as children. Your needs are not as important as ___________fill in the blank.

The sad part was, that slowly over time of being disconnected from my son, by working these hours, I too became droned out and desensitized to my son's cries. I became that mother. I got so ugly inside that I didn't even recognize myself. I'm ashamed to admit alot of my parenting mistakes. My heart has slowly been healing itself from that experience. My biggest parenting mistake by far, was leaving my son at 3 months for 20 hrs a week so I could make a measly 150$, alas I did what I thought I had to do, and i'm learning.

I am now SO SO grateful for the opportunity to stay at home with Malaya and Banyan for these first few years of life when it is SOOOO important that I be in tune with their needs.

yes, I LOVE MY LIFE...for all its ups and downs, i love the opportunity to learn and grow, to make mistakes, get back up, even over and over again, and wake up every morning with yet another opportunity to get it right. what a blessing!!!

lets clean!!!

2008-11-10T14:41:00.003-05:00

fall for us in FLorida is sort of like spring in New England. I'm in a cleaning/nesting frenzy...

so much on my list of to do's, its never ending. Forgive my lack of blogging, but there is work to be done...

repainting the baseboard trim in all the rooms, lazuring Banyan's room, cleaning out years of grimy bathroom that my roomate failed to clean before he moved.. mopping floors, washing cubboards...not to mention cleaning up my language as my toddler develops his imitation capacity!!!

Then there is the day to day cleaning...the floors, the counters, the clothes...UGGHH!!!

its exhausting!!! So I'm going to stop tying and get to it!!

do do, do da do da do

2008-11-06T10:28:00.015-05:00

I'm grateful that Obama is our president, the feeling of change is in the air...even if not apparent in its physical manifestation yet.

Jacob has been watching the election closely...each night glued to the primaries. He had the opportunity to watch Obama speak when he was visiting Sarasota a couple of weeks ago. He came home all excited wearing his rasta Obama button, and wore it proudly all week at work.

He mentioned to me that he felt sad that he couldn't share in his excitement with me over the election...I would sit by passively doing crafts, or browsing the internet reading Waldorf websites and such as he would read NPR articles and anticipate which states would turn blue or red. Admitedly the night of the election, I too was watching MSNBC online waiting to see if Sarasota would be blue or red.

all the while of this election, I watched as Banyan's world was completely unphased by such worldly events. I've been thinking alot about how our homes are a microcosm of the world around us, and while I'm sharing in the joy of our new president....my focus has shifted inwards.

How are we to create the kind of world we envision, when so many of us lack the basics of self discipline, peaceful communication, and environmental stewardship. Obama is correct in stating, "the government can't turn off the TV and make you child do its homework" Personal responsibility is something we could all focus on quite a bit more. How our choices effect everything around us. What words we chose, what our thoughts are focused on, what we eat, what we wear....its just as important as who we vote for in an election.

I've spent election week creating the changes I wish to see in world. Changes like a homemade organic wool sleepsack for Malaya instead of a 3$ clearance racked made in china sleeper.

changes like...hand sewn fish finger puppets made with organic hand felted wool so we can sing songs to our children at home as we make nummy mama bear tea instead of having them listen to recorded music as we franticly drive through the Starbucks drive through to buy a latte.

changes like natural pigment watercolors that weren't manufactured using harsh chemicals

changes like taking the time to watch the fish at the selby gardens and reflect upon inner stillness. Watching the light reflect off of the water and see my reflection looking back at me...knowing in that moment, the importance of SLOOOOOWING DOWN!!! instead of hurrying through a Disney theme park with a screaming whining over sugared child who just needs less stimulation.

changes like goodwilled handcarved wooden elephants for my son to play with, instead of plastic GI joes bought from Walmart which illustrate the violence of the war that so many of us are opposed to.

changes like hand crocheted woolies instead of disposable diapers that will fill our landfills in such a wasteful unecessary way.

changes like how we look at disciplining our children, and how we should be disciplining ourselves before we can even teach them how to behave.

This is how I am "politically active" by CREATING change with my own hands.... not only by voting for it, but also by opening my mind....being open to others opinions, listening with compassion, SLOOOWING down enough to hear the breezes again, baking my own bread, showing graditude, appreciating what is, as it is....Looking within my home, within my heart, within my mind and eliminating that which does not serve the world well.

quality VS quantity...

2008-11-03T20:22:00.002-05:00

I just wanted to put a little blurb out there for everyone to consider. We've all heard the phrase "quality VS quantity" my mother used this on me for years when illustrating which "friendships" were of TRUE lasting value to me. And i've learned over the years, that a couple of GREAT friends, is better than a bunch of shitty ones.

The same goes for "stuff" Over the years, I have become a minimalist. Ask Jacob who sits at a small round wooden coffee table to eat dinner every night :) When you look into my cuboards, they are obnoxiously organized with only a few items. We have 3 plates that I LOVE, 4 wooden hand carved bowls, one ceramic mixing bowl that was my grandmothers. I enjoy the simplicity that comes with having only what one needs. We wash our ONE dish after every meal, rather than a pile of dishes at the end of the day. One hand thrown clay mug for each of us...each mug in a way IS US...Banyan's is small with a little bird on it, perfect for his little hands :) , Jacobs is dark green "perfect for cofffee" mama's is blue spirals perfect for veggie juice.

Clothing goes the same. We each have just enough of what we need. A few sweaters for cold weather, a few tshirts for cooler weather etc... I've found the more I declutter my life of the crappy discounted items I find on clearance, the more I have room to replace them with a few simple higher end items that will last for years to come. In this regard, we pay closer attention to what we have and place more respect and reverence for it. I'd prefer to hand lanolize a 150$ wool sweater that will last till my grandkids can wear it, than to buy a new nylon "made in china" knit sweater at target every year and throw in into the wash with all the OTHER...clothes.

I enjoy watching the stillness that comes when Banyan sits down to do his watercolor paintings. In Waldorf the children paint with one primary color at a time...then work their way up to mixing colors as they grow older. In this way, the child develops a true SENSE of the color. Now you might think its boring to only paint red every day for months, but honestly, Banyan has much more of an appreciation for the act of painting. He holds his brush with a firmness, and isn't frantic to attempt to create something...rather, he lets the colors "dance" as the soaked wet paper meets with the watercolor pigments. Its amazing to watch. What a calming effect these activities have on his soul.

Quality VS Quantity. His Grandma Bettyann recently purchased some stockmar pigments from the Nova Naturals catalog. WE LOVE THEM!!! They were definately an investment, much more expensive than buying crayola watercolors from Walmart, yet each and every time he paints, I watch how the SMALL amount of pigment can stretch... This one 6$ bottle will last him till he's 5 yrs old, and with that, we have taught him the importance of buying a environmentally friendly product from a local small business rather than to support a large corporation.

I just love watching Banyan's respect for life growing. As he learns to paint in these ways...., so he learns to SLOWWWW down and allow his childhood consciousness to remain intact. As he puts on his one pair of handmade softstar shoes, so he learns how to take care of them so they last him the entire year. Everything has its place in our home...everything has a purpose...and because of the SMALL amount of high quality items we have, we appreciate them much more than we would otherwise.

There is nothing more gratifying than fixing a broken wheel on a wooden truck and watching Banyan marvel at how we are able to fix things...instead of having to simply buy another one.

Quality VS Quantity....CRUCIAL!!!!

pants and the beetle bug...

2008-10-30T21:16:00.005-04:00

This morning Banyan woke up rolled over and vomited all over my bed for no apparent reason.

No fever, nothing different in him, just vomit. So we spent the morning working out his little bug. When I mentioned to him that he had a bit of a bug in his tummy, he proceeded to explain to me how it was a beetle bug, and that it was nice to him. "ants, not nice, they bite me, beetle bugs is nice to me"

We wondered if perhaps a new pair of pants would somehow settle his beetle bug and warm up his little legs which aren't used to this new colder weather we've had all week. Out came the sewing machine, (which was very dusty), some old organic cotton fleece fabric I had bought eons ago and wondered what to do with, and along side me sat my little helper. I traced another pair of his pant legs onto the fabric about a size bigger than they were, and began cutting away. This was my first go at creating some elastic waistband pants, since all the drawstring ones i've made for him over the years NEVER stay up.

I wasn't so sure what I was doing, but figured it out? kinda anyways?

Looking back, I see how I should've sewn the pocket for the waistband first, then stitched it into the pants. alas, here they are in all their organic fleecy glory...Banyan's new pants, which must have done the job of settling that beetle down, because he was fine and had a hearty appetite the rest of the day.

"it crawled out of my mouth now mama, I all better now"

I"m SOOOOO in nesting mode already :)

I've been sitting around the house working up fix it lists, to do lists and the such. Getting my home in order has been top priority and has gotten me out of the house looking through goodwills for a real wooden bookshelf, and wooden toddler bed for Banyan. Jacob and I have started out our lives together with NOTHING but love and some ideas of what we wanted....we came down to Florida from New York with 200$ to our names, and had to find work immediately. I'm excited and proud of how we've made this condo into our home over the past 6 months and am looking forward to figuring out the finishing touches on our decor. Gosh I sound like Martha Stewart over here, but honestly I've got to give that women some serious kudos, she can carve pumpkins like no other!!!

Its funny about a year ago, Banyan and I were sleeping on the floors with a few blankets, clothes, and books to our name. I"ve never been one for furniture, in fact, I made it a point to get rid of everything I owned time and time again.....until all of a sudden, with Malaya on the way, I"m beginning to feel grounded and my desire for a beautiful home is growing along with her. I never thought I"d understand the importance of material objects....and I"m certainly not advocating being a crazy consumer, but there is something magical that happens when you create a "HOME"

All I want to do is bake bread, sand down the furniture we do have to refinish it...make some curtains and create a beautiful first "room of his own" for Banyan. I'm officially becoming my mother...

jack o'lantern...

2008-10-28T14:45:00.011-04:00

"jack o' lantern, jack o' lantern, you are such a funny sight

as you sit there in the window, shining your golden light

you were once a yellow pumpkin, growing on a sturdy vine

now you are my jack o' lantern, see your light shine bright......"

Just in time!!!! the cooler weather has finally settled in this morning. we emerged from under our blankets wearing sweaters...and spent the morning carving out our pumpkins. This was Jacob's only time off during the day until after Halloween day.

Banyan had never carved a pumpkin before, and was excited to find seeds inside!!!

"its yucky mama!!!" he declared. He refused to help me hollow them out once he felt the sticky slimy seeds all on his fingers...

so Jacob and I proceed together slowly carving out our creations...while Banyan showed little interest in the process. I think these things are more for us adults anyways. It'd been years since either of us has carved a pumpking. Can't you see the boy like wonder of Jacob's face?

alas, all our hard work paid off as we displayed them on our front porch, and Banyan got to eat the roasted seeds which I doused in cinnamon and agave nectar for some yummy flavor.

autumn, in all its redneckedled colors.....

2008-10-26T20:43:00.014-04:00

This being Jacob's 1st day off in over a week, we decided to celebrate and break him into to the Florida version of a pumpkin festival...while the trees are not turning red...as we head inland towards Husander Farms in Bradenton we began to notice a change in color of people's necks. Yes, I do believe they were red.

In all out surrender, we turned up some bluegrass music and jammed out through our 45 minute traffic congested wait to drive 3 miles up CR 275 and enter into the "PUmpkin Festival" Yes, there were pumpkins...and....well even the ants down here are red?

Jacob seemed a little confused, so we thought we'd take him on a train ride through the farm. But something was a little strange...the trains were made out of recycled barrels and old wagon wheels...oh well....looks like this place was more for Banyan, we sighed as we dished out 2$ for him to ride this hillbilly contraption.

Next, saddle up!!! Banyan has been eating "all of his food so that he can get big and ride HORSES!!!" alas the day came...and as promised, we watched little man live out his long lived dream to ride on a pony. I think mama was reliving her own childhood joys through this experience as seen in the unusually happy face as shown. Jacob, dished out another 4$ for Banyan's small glimpse of heaven.

We ate some gyro's which were questionably made with chicken and lamb, then ONWARDS!!! to the one FREE thing in the whole place, THE CIRCUS...

we sat under the BIG TOP amongst sugar raging children and their broke parents...huddled together like penguins, we sat anticipating the big show. The music came on, and out came jumping dogs, a nervous teenaged juggler, the talented trapeeze artist, big black horses that danced, some really sad looking goats who had been trained to stand on strange stands, and lets not forget the clown. Something seemed familiar about that clown's song? HA HA HAAAA HA HA HAAAA, HA HAA HAA, HA HAA HA....wait a minute here...I think Banyan's heard this before...YES YES, about a year ago when my mother took him to the very same circus over at the Van Wezel. Well THANK YOU CIRCUS...for planting the most LOUD song into my son's psyche...we just LOVE to hear it echoing off the walls every afternoon. :)

Ah...so what an afternoon

We fed animals, rode horses, trains, tractors, got a glimpse of Florida life, and were completely sun drenched, overstimulated and missing New England more than ever...

Time to go home. The best part of it all was NO TANTRUMS...and complete looks of quiet awe from Banyan, who didn't say but 10 words the whole day.

be worthy of imitation....

2008-10-25T10:53:00.016-04:00

We start the morning collecting greatfruits to make juice in our new citrus juice. BLESSED!!!

The weather has given us an inward shift for the past two days, raining, breezes and books.

My latest read is called Phases of Childhood :Growing in body soul and spirit by Bernard Lievegoed. It takes an anthroposophical look at the 3 main phases of childhood development and illustrates the importance of taking into account how the soul incarnates into a being...as well it gives specific examples of how to apply this knowledge to education and in many instances challenges the modern methods of "teaching" our children.

a shift of paradigm for me... What I began to understand was that we cannot "teach" morals through words with children under 6, but only through example. In the grade school ages, morals can be illustrated through fairytales, once the child begins to gain a conscience. Oftentimes the teaching we do in the primary ages is not fully absorbed into the little being, and the end result are children who can retell you what you "the answers" but have not discovered those answers within and for themselves.

The 3 year old stage in particular is a very oppositional stage where the self of the child just starts to begin to emerge. "Banyan do it" turns into "I do it" They begin to experiment with their boundaries by challenging the normal routine in order to develop a stronger sense of self...it is what helps them to achieve the foundation of security for the will to develop...at around the age of 6-10

all of their movements are based solely on inner forces and drives which help them to understand the laws of nature. What a challenging time for a parent, as your child begins to experiment with the laws of gravity!

we cannot "teach" them...but only provide them a secure foundation from which to jump so that they may teach themselves through experience.

As a mother, this journey forces us to look within and examine our own fears and more fully come to terms with that which makes us most uncomfortable.

These children are little forces of light, bringing us closer to truth. The challenges they provide us are simply messages from source that teach us, through example, how to surrender.

we see in them, the uninhibited ability to dance with both light AND dark. Opening our deepest wounds so that we may re examine our own being.

How uncomfortable it can be...this opening up, this surrender, the pains, the joys, the awakenings.

All to see clearly ourselves reflected so that we may step forward from these moments, awake. To be reminded of our birth, we are reminded of our pains, as we see them put upon our children, as they learn the lessons we too learned.

We dance along this continuos spiral of life.....each mistake bringing us closer to that which must be learned.

Examine that which makes you most uncomfortable, so that you may learn what it is that you're running from. Don't wonder why you're running for too long, soon we all find comfort in those things that once frightened us and we can look back with nostalgic laughter for the bumps, for they are what make us so HUMAN in this divine experience. Our greatest challenge as "adults" is to~BE WORTHY OF IMITATION~

looking forward...

2008-10-22T20:36:00.003-04:00

aaahhhhhh.....

Banyan's sleeping :)

I'm starting to experience the tiredness that comes with pregnancy. Twenty one weeks into it. Running errands all morning, till the evening, such a long day. I haven't done much creative in the past few days, although there are a few new additions to the home. My mother sent us some leaves from the maple trees up north, and we hung them over our entrance way to the living area. In complete contrast, we filled up Banyan's dirt/rock area with some much needed sand for him to play with. He'll spend hours out there making roadways with his little colored blocks.

Most of my work this week has consisted of inner housecleaning, connecting with dreams, manifestations, and observing my friendships and relationships with other women. I've got to say, its more exhausting than walking 5 miles on a hot day :) The mind thinks itself into circles until finally it finds that resting spot...the conclusion. Which is always subject to change.

I'm finding that the more I observe my emotions and use my mind to guide me back to a rational place, the more I am able to manifest things more clearly, as well to shed things more clearly.

I"ve learned so much in these past few months about who I DONT want to be, by watching those closest to me become reflections of where I'm at and noticing how I'm not really in tune with most of them. Then magically, synchronistically new beings will come into my world, and perfectly illustrate the transformation by being AMAZING!!! In that regard, I find myself moving more towards the true groundedness of motherhood, and further away from the idealistic version of myself. Part of that included me coming to terms with my judgemental nature when observing other women parenting their children. Looking back, I feel like a complete asshole for having made comments about other moms and their parenting styles, and I regret having lost connection with others in my community because of it.

The self analytical side of me knows that the judgement was coming from my own place of insecurity about who I was. Of course, I don't think I could've admitted that to myself before the ah ha moment came. I felt so strongly about attachment parenting, not immunizing, not having plastic in my home, using cloth diapers, or no diapers at all, and having my child be the "waldorf" child that I was blinding myself to the beauty of how others parent. Mostly I felt I was better than them because I chose to use cloth instead of pampers. And for certain, using cloth is more environmentally friendly, but using pampers doesn't make someone an "ignorant mom" as I might have once felt. Thinking I was better than someone else wasn't something where I said "i'm better than that person" to myself, I consciously knew that to be wrong to think....but it was more of an attitude of "well whats wrong with that person, why do they let their child watch TV, or why do they put their child in a walker...I must enlighten them to MY ways so that they'll evolve"

What I've learned is that its not about what others do, but more about where I resonate, and where I don't. There are still certain things that I wouldn't subject Banyan to because of my beliefs, (watching violent cartoons, or eating junky food) but I'm not going to judge another mom because of what she does. I"m tired of pushing people away. Its interesting too because since i've made that conscious change within myself to not discriminate against who I accept into my world, more of what I was seeking has come, its like I opened a blocked channel just by shifting my attitude. I feel less isolated, and what I've learned is that so many moms are so open when you are open them, such a blessing!!!

One example of this, is how a few months ago when I met a mom in our Waldorf group, I instantly labeled her "mainstream" and shut myself off to her. Not intentionally but just automatically. Months later, as I open myself up, I learn that she hosts a waldorf study group which is something I was looking for in the community.

I'm grateful for this shift. Good things are coming in...the not so great things are going away :)

we fucked the yuck

2008-10-19T19:22:00.007-04:00

Sitting in a house that needs minor improvements for over a month, with no money really sucks when you're pregnant..... Every little thing starts to bother you. I've accumulated a LONG list of projects that once we had money, we'd accomplish. The first of these is the front walk way which a few weeks back had those horrible little shop of horror century plants out front. We finally had them removed and what was left is quite insightly and needs to be re landscaped. Our morning was spent digging up the old walkway to the condo and raking out the flower bed in preparation for some new plantings. We took out the rocks, and planted down some grass seed to help absorb some of the water overage from when it rains. Generally we have a flood outside the front door when its really raining. I"m looking forward to some new butterfly plants that will be added soon with the approval of the condo association.

After some lunch we tackled another one of my highly anticipated home decor projects. We found some stools on the side of the road a while back and have been using them for our breakfast eating area. The stools were workable, atleast for a while until Banyan got hold of them and started picking them apart with his little fingers. Whom ever decided to make wicker stools obviously did not have a 2 yr old eating on them. It was impossible to keep them clean, and as well, left bits and pieces of straw and wicker all over the floor which kept me sweeping EVERY morning. :( ugggghhhh...

We reapolstered the stools with some sweet new celtic knot fabric that we scored at JoAnn's Fabrics. Lovely. This evenings bedtime snack was complete with new stools which now have a vinyl coating over them to help easily wipe up spills and keep them looking new. Exciting stuff!!! (atleast for me)

Here is the before :( YUCK!!!

and here is the after :) YEAH!!!!

I'm happy to say that team Jacob and Jamie successfully said fuck to our yuck, "got our shit together" and accomplished some great things today!!! WE ROCK!!!

waldorf baby bunting doll

2008-10-19T10:18:00.007-04:00

Yesterday was my first adventure in the car :)

Banyan spent the morning with Marian and Gryphon playing at their house up in Bradentucky whilst mama drove down to the Sarasota Waldorf School for the doll making class that they offered. I spent the next 3 hours amidst like minded mama's who spent the morning creating this little doll.

what makes a doll "waldorf" is the materials used, as well as the expressionless face it has.

This doll was created with wool stuffing and organic cotton for the doll itself. I hand stitched the entire thing :) My least favorite of crafting projects tends to be sewing, but alas, I found an inner peace while creating this little girl. The room went from the hustle and bustle of lots of mama's (and a few papa's) connecting with one another, to the dead silence of busy little elves creating new dolls for our children.

The expressionless feature of waldorf doll is to leave it open ended for the child to create its expression for it. This doll can be any range of emotion depending on how the child chooses to play itself through it. So far this little girl, as Banyan has named Malaya, has taken a liking to flying across the room, and being hugged, loved and co slept with.

I'm hoping to make lots more of these simple little baby bunting dolls in different colors for the kids. Very easy to do, and can be made in about 1 hr once you know what you're doing.

This class was the first in a series leading up a full sized Waldorf Doll, I"m hoping in time for the holidays.

I borrowed the first photo from www.loveonrosestreet.com a fellow conscious parenter who posted a photo of a bunch of these cute little creatures.

I really appreciated the experience and grounding that came with creating a doll for my child. It certainly beats picking one out of the store thats been made in China. Made with LOVE, is what all Dolls ought to be stamped with.

new growth...

2008-10-17T19:50:00.004-04:00

Its strange, it feels a bit like spring this week, all of the new beginnings and such. I haven't blogged for about a week. I've not remembered to bring my camera with me to document anything :)

We've started gathering some clothes/diapers and the cutest little potty (as seen above) for Malaya. I've been scouring through craigslist to find some good deals, this potty chair was only 10$!!!! GOOD FIND!!! As well the Rosemary Birthing home has a "baby boutique" upstairs which is full of free baby clothes etc... We came home with a box of nice things. I'm overwhelmed with just how obnoxiously pink girl clothing can be!!! I'm not personally a huge fan of the color, more of a purple girl myself.

I also updated my amazon wishlist this week. The family's have started asking...what do you need etc... I'm all about the amazon universal wish list, you can pick any item off of any website and add it! Here's the link to the wishlist if you're interested.

Our car was finally fixed this week. I felt a bit of euphoria listening to John Brown's Body while driving Jacob back from work. There's nothing like motion and music to make you feel good. Its amazing how much more you appreciate your vehicle after its been on a break for over a month. Jacob's starting working 2 pretty steady jobs this week.

One over at Jessica's Farm, the other at Pastry Art. The luxury is free organic produce, as well as discounted sandwiches and coffee.

My good ol'' friend Jessi G struck once again last week with her amazing friendshipness :) She works for a local aromatherapist and accupuncturist who were having an open night to gain clients. They needed help to cater the event, and I was called upon to prepare RAW foods, and man the table to yumminess :) I was grateful to have had the opportunity to be a part of the holistic community in such an inside way, as well to have earned the money we needed to get the car fixed. Thanks Jessi!!! you rock!!! I'll post some of the recipes soon, most of them use essential oils for flavor, some amazing results!!!

I'll be back up an rolling with my camera soon. Mostly I'm adjusting to the new found mobility and running errands I haven't been able to run all month because its way across town. Tomorrow is our Waldorf Doll Making class over at the Sarasota Waldorf School. I'm excited and will post the results tomorrow.

oh that gnome!!

2008-10-10T19:54:00.006-04:00

Its been a challenge to get Banyan to use a "quiet voice" in the house. He'll start to whisper, then two minutes later start talking in his usual tone of voice which is VERY LOUD!!!

I figured I'd ask the seasoned mamas from the Waldorf Home educators group that I belong to what they would do in such a situation.

There was one bit of advice that has served us well. "There are gnomes that live in the house Banyan, but they only come out when its VERY quiet, in fact, i've only seen them while you're sleeping. They have VERy little ears, so in order to protect them, they hide until you are quiet"

With that said, now EVERYONE in the house has to whisper :)

He'll now remind us to use our quiet voices, because we don't want to scare away the gnomes.

The advice worked so well, I figured I'd implement in into naptime. So we made up a nice little napkin for the gnomes, and left them some water and cashews to eat.

Banyan had to go to sleep so that gnomes could come out and play. I"ve never seen him fall asleep so quickly :) He awoke to a gift, left by the gnomes, a lovely hibiscus....

Look at the awe, and wonder....

We took it yet a step further and decided that he would be a gnome for Halloween....we started the costume making process, a red cap and red vest...embellishments and details to come soon, I don't want to completely ruin the Halloween surprise.

Our neighbors were curious to find a live gnome wandering through their gardens.

clean that horsey (PLEASE!!!!)

2008-10-10T19:49:00.005-04:00

one of banyan's most beloved of creatures is a HUGE horse which he so cleverly named "Horsey"

He brings him all around the house, sleeps with horsey, eats with horsey, even potties with horsey (don't ask)

See horsey has given Banyan some incentive to not pee in his bed at night, because "we don't want to pee on horsey, or he might not want to sleep with you again"

Well after month of no peeing on horsey, finally it happened :(

We took it as an opportunity to give Horsey a much needed bath.

Look at the excitement of this grand moment when he can also take a bath with Horsey!!!!

much care was given to Mr Horsey, as he was fluffed back to life in the gentle cycle of the dryer....A never before seen even, boy Banyan got a kick out of that one :)

basil love

2008-10-10T19:43:00.003-04:00

FRESH BASIL!!!! (thank you to jessica's farm) and mostly to my lovely Jacob for working his little butt off this past weekend so we could get some free produce.

The best part of free produce is fresh basil. We spent the morning picking the leaves off of a HUGE bag of basil and then making up some yummy pesto.

GREAT GREEN PESTO

2 cups fresh basil leaves

1/2 cup walnuts

1/4 cup pine nuts

1/4 cup olive oil

2 cloves garlic

1tbsp white miso

(or salt to taste)

mix up in a vita mix, you might have to add just a bit of water to get it to mix up properly...but yum yum!!! it fills up a pasta jar with fresh basil which you can add to anything, veggie burgers, pasta, turkey pita sandwiches etc...

the autumn nature table

2008-10-10T19:36:00.006-04:00

just a quick post to illustrate our autumn nature table :)

complete with a fallen cicada, some "fall"leaves, the mother earth and pine cones (a mama, papa and baby)

all our autumn finds end up here. Today banyan and jacob found some flowers and made them into little crowns for the autumn fairies :)

morning

2008-10-10T09:08:00.004-04:00

I sit with the morning watching the sun peek just above the tree line. Remembering the days when I would drive to the east coast to watch the sunrise, then drive back home to watch the sunset. The trees too are pregnant. Heavy and swollen with grapefruit, weighed down with fruits...ready to give birth to its life. A simple shake, and they'll drop right into your hands.

There's magic in those fruit, each layer peeled back reveals new life giving forces, little pods of life juice :) I feel so alive after i've eaten one.

The squirrels climb up our screened porch attempting to collect the bird seed through the screen. Banyan seized the opportunity to open the unattended bag on the lanai and use his trucks to haul it around the porch. The squirrels are seemingly tortured to see it resting unattended JUST behind screen.

The lizards watch me eat my mornings fruit. I"m pretty sure they're wondering where there homes went? Yesterday the landscaping crew finished the daunting task of removing century plants from our front flower bed. These plants HAD to go! They look like aloe but have sharp pokers off of each leaf....they could take an eye out of anyone less than 3 feet tall. With them gone, we'll now have the opportunity to replace them with butterfly plants and redo our front entrance. I tell the lizards not to worry, that they'll have a new home soon.

Banyan and Jacob are off on walk to fetch some water. The house is quiet, only the trickling water of the fish tank, and the gentle wind of the fan. I'm watching the sun start to enter the living room, slivers of light at a time. The day is starting.

These are the moments that I thought I'd given up when I became a mother. Realizing now, the importance of balance. A mother AND father that is...

Our daughter grows inside of me. I've felt her energy lingering around me since about the time I returned from Oregon last year. I refused her presence for so long, because it hurt to think that things could be different for me, that I wouldn't have to be a single mom anymore.

There were so many moments in these past few years when I doubted my dreams of having a balanced family, feeling that perhaps it was not meant to be, or that I somehow didn't deserve it. Time has shown me that faith is powerful. Being in tune with each moment, seeing the truth in each moment for what it brings is our greatest tool as humans. When we are able to simply allow ourselves to be, then the power of our passion takes over. On its own, without force of coercion, that which we wish for, TRULY, does come to us. Having learned this lesson, I feel much more at peace.

This morning I secretly, (or not so secretly now) wish for the inner strength and wisdom to bring peace to my new family. The grapefruit trees inspire me. They stay rooted, yielding to the strong winds, bending, and flowing gracefully with the seasons. Twice yearly they produce new fruits, every day they say thank you to the sun, and wait PATIENTLY for summer to be over, for cooler weather to come, so they too can relax themselves open up to the autumn winds and drop the harvest of a summer's worth of sunshine. How perfect :)

short cuts and long roads

2008-10-05T17:12:00.003-04:00

its all a balancing act, this mothering thing. somedays we take some short cuts, others we take the long way. Either path brings us home.

Without the car, we've learned other methods of getting our needs met. Walking for instance :)

We have 4 gallon water jugs that we fill up at the Culligan water station, the nearest one is at the Winn Dixie plaze about 1/2 to 3/4 of a mile from home. Not to far really. Jacob has been biking the jugs in his backpack more often that not, today we figured we'd try our hand at taking a walk "as a family" lol I laugh out loud because the walk was much more frustrating than intended. We decided to take the stroller incase Banyan had a meltdown along the way, as well to haul the water jugs along the bottom.

We made it to the plaza with only a few minor "hold mama's hands" reminders, as well as a few "dont jump around while holding mama's hand" ones too. Ultimately Jacob intervened and hauled the 35lb boy on his shoulders because this wasn't a battle he was going to pick.

Winn Dixie is always an adventure! The place always has long lines of people with screaming kids who are over TV'd and over sugared yelling at their parents for MORE MORE MORE!!!!

We generally don't shop there unless random ideas spawn upon us, (like baking a green bean caserole for dinner) (i'm going to side track for a minute here) I've always loved my Aunt Frances green been casserole that she serves for Thanksgiving Dinner. They have those crunchy onions on top and the creamy green beans inside...melt your mouth numminess....

well, I went to buy a can of those fried onions to put on top of my casserole tonight and was disappointed to find that they contain not only wheat, but also DCHP? some kind of strange preservative that I decided not to experiment with on Banyan. So....back to some creative cooking at home.

We left winn dixie with some organic chicken broth and full water jugs. It was nearing 2pm, close to Banyan's nap time. The signs were showing....the full on refusal to do anything we asked him, and OH THE WHINING...which landed him in the stroller. We hadn't considered just how heavy it would be to push a stroller with almost 3 yr old, and 4 full gallon water jugs, so at the half way point, we figured we'd let Banyan out, I mean, he does have legs too.

At first he laughingly pushed the stroller along, that was a great way to expell some of his last bits of energy before nap time. Then it turned into him pushing it faster than I could keep up with and being pretty reckless, so Jacob took the stroller, and I took the boy's hand and we attempted to continue our journey when it turned to holy tantrum horror.

He was BESIDE himself that he could no longer push the stroller... collapsed down on the ground with big wailing tears and simply let it all out. I urged Jacob to continue on without us (we were about 3 blocks from the house) There we sat, Banyan and I, on the curb of 47th street and Old Bradenton Road full tantrum in process.

First the wailing, then the screaming, then the attempt to run into the road, which resulted in me restraining him on my lap until he could calm down. About 5 minutes later once he saw that we weren't going to budge unless he could gain some composure, he sat up and said "I want to go home now mama" So we stood up, and continued on in silence. Today we took "the long way home"

Sometimes we have to take the long way home. Long walks to fill our water, long stretches of de stemming green beans, long afternoons of waiting for bread to rise. I find the result to be reverence and strength of character. I think about how lucky I am to only have to walk a mile to fresh water. I"m grateful for those moments when my patience runs out, and I'm forced to the other side of my discomfort. It allows me to surrender, and find peace where I didn't know it could exist, it also makes me appreciate the short cuts when the do happen :)

Short cut # 1 like making your own bread crumbs instead of paying 4$ a jar for spelt ones. I take the heels of my breads and freeze them, then simply put them in the blender to make bread crumbs. We always have something on hand to put together a simple casserole.

(or shortcut # 2 ordering a Rico's eggplant sub when you really don't want to make dinner :)

This morning our good friend Stacey came by with some amazing banana cocoanut bread to share with us, along with that, she donated some unused items from her pantry, which included dried porticcini mushrooms (what to do with these I wondered)

This evenings' dinner is baked chicken with green bean casserole.

For the chicken I mix some mayonaise and mustard in a bowl, roll the chicken around in it, then shake it up with some breadcrumbs and bake for 1 hr.

Below is my first recipe attempt at creating one of my Aunt's casserole's myself, this was most certainly a "long way" recipe, not a short cut.

WHEAT/DAIRY FREE GREEN BEAN CASSEROLE

1 lb of fresh green beans stemmed, cleaned and halved

2oz of porticcini mushrooms

1/2 cup chicken broth

1 onion diced

1 cup almond milk

3 tbsp spelt flour

cornstarch

1 cup homemade spelt breadcrumbs

black pepper

salt

1/8 cup nutritional yeast

first I steamed the green beans, then reconstituted the mushrooms in the chicken broth, sliced them.

then I sauteed the onion with black pepper, mixed in the green beans and mushrooms

added almond milk, spelt flour, cornstarch and nutritional yeast, mixing until it thickened a bit.

Topped with bread crumbs and baked for 25 minutes.

YUM YUM!!!

the house is quiet as the food bakes. Banyan awoke from his nap and can be found running off yet some more of his energy...which never seems to end. I appreciate these moments of reflection, as I prepare to fully surrender to yet another child who blesses us with an abundance of all new (and some old lessons) that need to be learned.

we're friends of florida friends of midwifery

2008-10-04T20:19:00.003-04:00

We spent the afternoon today volunteering at the Fall Festival held a Rosemary Court to benefit the Florida Friends of Midwifery. This was our first social outing for a few weeks!!!

They had a big bouncer tent set up for the kids to play in, a bunch of local mamas got together and created a bake/rummage sale to gather funds for the Florida Friends of Midwifery/ICAN

www.flmidwifery.org You can visit their website at the link over to the left :)

They help to support midwifery in Florida, a very worthwhile cause. All the donations go to help educate women on their birthplace options, as well as to raise public awareness of the benefits and advantages of midwifery.

It amazes me, especially after seeing Ricki Lake's documentery "the business of being born" , just how many mama's don't know that homebirth is safe, or even an option to them vs a hospital birth. If you haven't already, I'd highly recommend watching the documentary you can watch it on Netflix. or order it HERE.

I volunteered as a photographer to take Fall Photos of the family and children at a little pumpkin patch that they had decorated for the kids. I was able to raise some money for the cause and pass out business cards to gain exposure for my photography business. www.jamielovephoto.com

It was a great opportunity to be a part of my local mama community, and I'm grateful that we have the homebirthing community that we do here in Sarasota....its nice to not feel like you're the only one who's chosen to have their child outside of a hospital.

this little man was the cutest little pumpkin in the patch (hope you don't mind that I post him up here Mallie) It felt nice to be photographing again!

building roads

2008-10-01T19:53:00.009-04:00

its become so evident to me how play is the way a child processes its environment. uninterupted play being the most crucial. There are days at the park when I'll sit and watch other mothers hover over their child's every move, directing them from one activity to the next. They'll look over me and make comments like, "wow, you're so lucky, he's so independent" as they scurry off following their children's lead. It concerns me to watch this.

The parent who stands guard anticipating that their child will fall off of the playground apparatus. It seems they just tell the kid (actions alone) your own instincts and sense of balance cannot be trusted...so I am here to catch you whenever you fall. The child follows the parents' lead, gets to a challenging point of the climb and screams then collapses down into the worried parents' arms.

When did we stop trusting our children's instincts? Why all the fear of them falling? like falling from a foot above the ground is a traumatic event? How is a child ever to learn the weight of gravity, if we don't let them experience their own personal limitations through trial and error. I do not intend to say that you should let a 3 yr old fall from a high area and risk serious injury. But I do notice that us mothers who are more hands off at the park have children who will know their boundaries and back down when they start to feel a bit unsafe or unsteady on their feet. Whereas the child who has always had a parent to catch them, will lazily fall down expecting that something will intervene between him and the ground.

Its interesting to watch. Banyan has always been the 2yr old kid at the park who can scale any apparatus better than a 4 year old, and its only been till recently that he's starting to experience some tumbles and falls. He's trying on his new longer legs which seem to be growing daily :)

It must have been all the tree climbing I did in that pregnancy, he seems to have an intuitive knowledge for climbing. Months ago we had to put child locks on the upper cupboards in the kitchen because he learned how to put his feet on the drawers and pull himself up onto the counters.

With the idea of uninterupted play, I'd also like to discuss just how beautiful life can be when you can allow yourself to get over the day to day whining of a child (play blocks with me) and simply expect them to entertain themselves. Often I'll say "Mama works, Banyan plays" That is his cue to get involved in something while I read a book, or check my email. In waldorf they call it "Breathe in, breathe out time" You have set rhythms of the day when it is time to play together, and then its time to be apart. While initially Banyan was resistant, within a few weeks these rhythms worked like a charm and I found that I could get some time alone to do sewing, or crochet up a hat while he set up his train tracks and builds cities. We both do our own work, side by side, quietly (sometimes there are sound effects included)

Its a beautiful thing, and I"m happy to be on the other side of attachment parenting where he is now able to immerse himself into a whole new world, which is much more interesting than my breast, or my entertainment. I mean, what mama is going to rival with building roads with trucks and dirt?

Sometimes they simply need to have something to imitate other than us. For the past week, we've been woken up by the sound of an obnoxiously loud paving truck which tears up concrete in preparation for building repaving the condo's road. This has been HIGHLY interesting to him...he'll spend hours looking outside of the windows in AWE of the power of these trucks, and the hard work of these workers as they work morning to night.

the workers have enjoyed having our little man watch him, they'll beep and wave, and shout out to him...little man! The whole experience, while loud, nap interupting and over stimulating resulted in a long awaited play time. The trucks have come and gone from this side of the gardens, and quiet has now entered the house once more. Nap times are 1-2 hrs long, and the tantrums went from 5 times/day, to about 3 (I suspect it will get better as our food budget gets better)

This afternoon, our breathe out time lasted about 3 hours long! Banyan, uninterupted, recreated his own scene of building a road on the back porch this afternoon.

It started with a few digs of dirt being tossed about the porch floor, and then it turned into BEEP BEEP BEEP!!! for about 20 minutes... Jacob and I wondered how long he could keep up the beeping sound, and alas "do you hear it" jacob says? "what" i reply.... "exactly" he smiles..."silence"

we sat back continued our job searches in peace and allowed the weeks experience of loud trucks and paving to be transformed into Banyan's now full understanding of how to build a road. What a blessing to see a child's consciousness grow right before your eyes.

finding abundance

2008-09-30T20:17:00.004-04:00

we've been struck with some financial worries over this past month with being out of work, and not knowing where our next paycheck is coming from. it has tested our faith in ourselves, our relationship, increased tension among the house etc...

its stressful to say the least.

we have some jobs lined up, but have not started anything as of yet, and are still anticipating when that is. its an anxious time in our home...waiting for people to call you back, checking the classifieds daily, sending out resumes, email upon email, only to receive few responses or to find that the job has been filled already.

I'm wanting to express my heart felt gratitude to the friends and family that have been supportive to us through this difficult time. our saving graces....

FIRST is our dear friend Jessi G who spent the afternoon yesterday cleaning out her freezer of Quorn "chicken" nuggets, frozen spinach, eggs, black beans and some tuna to offer us. Her warm hugs, and "cheer bear" attitude was my guardian angel yesterday. I felt so much love and support from all of her kindness. Her pep talk certainly pepped things up between Jacob and I, and I'm pretty sure the 2 beers that her loving man Jordan donated to Jacob didn't hurt either. I LOVE YOU!!!

second would be to my aunt carol who has always been my cheerleader on the side lines, She assisted us in coming to the bottom of Jacob's background check fiasco and always has open arms and a loving heart.

third would be my mother, who despite her own intense financial woes pulled together the resources to send us a 100$ whole foods gift card this week. I love my mom...we may have our days, but she has proven to be supportive when I need her the most...even though I "am almost 30 yrs old and should bail myself out of my own messes"

and lastly to jacob's guy friends...(josh and jordan) the ones who payed for his round of golf and picked him up when he was about to go crazy with my hormonalness. and zack who helped him to land a job at pastry art. nothing beats guy friends who can empathize so whole heartedly that it lifts you out of your slump.

Finding abundance during the rough times takes a keen eye. Sometimes its not so apparent amidst the bill collectors, the plummeting bank account, and the whining temper tantrums of an almost 3 yr old fire sign. We all fall, I repeat, we ALL fall!!! and its great to know that there are friends that wont judge you for your losses, or mistakes and never fail to find the light for you when you cannot do it alone.

I have much to be grateful for...and as I sit back to experience the quiet moments of the night, when Banyan is asleep, I can drink my tea, sit next to the man I love, feel the love thats growing inside of my belly, and be happy that I'm not one of the fish thats life purpose is to be our TV.

The great-fruits are about to drop this week...i look forward to making sorbet, juices and eating them until I can't possibly stand another one! I look forward to using the last of our frozen bananas to make banana bread, and I look forward to the smile of approval from Banyan in the morning when he wakes up to taste it.

Our dinner routine usually involves lighting a candle and saying thank you to it for its light and blessings. We've run out of tea lights :( Tonight was our first night where we improvised by lighting up the fake ficus tree in the living room. The usual song "candle candle burning bright, thank you for your golden light" was turned into "tree, tree shining bright, thank you for your shining light" Banyan was pleased. As well he was to discover that when he places his butt over the bathtub drain while its draining water, that he can stop it from draining, and when he sits up, it makes a "farting sound" as the water drains again. He cracked up laughing for about 20 minutes while the water drained. I have to admit, it cracked me up to, the innocence of his discovery and the joy it brought him to try it over and over again.

abundance....its in the small places that we sometimes forget to look.

pomegranates for autumn

2008-09-26T19:56:00.005-04:00

"criss cross applesauce

beetles up your spine

squeeze, squeeze

cool breeze

now you've got the chillies" ~banyan's favorite waldorf song

no photos today :( sorry

that headache got to me today, you know, the one when you walk, you feel your brain pulsing ready to explode outside of your head. not so fun. but on the bright side, we are grateful that the temperature finally dropped down...to a whole 80 degrees. Now I know all you New Englander's laugh at us Floridians...but honest to god, when its been 90 all summer, that 10 degrees makes a HUGE difference. You actually want to walk outside shut off the AC, and open the windows. It feels like fall to us :)

We celebrated the autumn equinox today. Last night as Banyan was sleeping, I redecorate the nature table with fall colors, put up our old leaf man and said goodbye to our summer flower fairies and sunshine. We plan to paint a harvest moon to replace the sun. Banyan woke up, and was curious about the changes.

Before dinner time we read him the story of Perosphone, the daughter of Demeter (the greek harvest god). Hades, the god of the underworld loved her so much that he captured her one day and brought her down to live with him as his queen in the underworld. She refused his fruits, knowing that eating them would make her forget about her life on Earth. Demeter mourned the loss of his daughter, so all the leaves turned brown, and all of the plants died. Finally he was tipped off that someone had seen Hades take her to the underworld, so Demeter sent after her and awaited her safe return. Just as Perosphone was about the leave the underworld Hades tempted her with a pomegranate (the only living fruit of the underworld) She ate 6 of its seeds. Zeus found out of this and ordered that she would have to return to the underworld for one month for each seed she ate. For 6 months of the year, she returned to Hades and her father mourned. This time became the seasons of fall and winter, when all of the plants died.

To celebrate the beginning of fall, we all ate some seeds from a pomegranate, and went for a walk to find some pine cones to decorate the nature table. YES!!!! Cooler weather to come, and a few times/week new additions to the nature table in celebration of the fall season.

starfruit salsa, yum yum!

2008-09-24T18:23:00.006-04:00

While scouring the farmer's market this past weekend, I noticed, YES!!! STARFRUITS!!! :)

rather than spend 1$ each on them, we decided to bike over to a nearby tree off of our street and go picking. One of the luxury's of living in Florida, LOCAL FRUIT!!! starfruits, limes, mangos, avocados, bananas, and soon, the grapefruits, oranges and lemons will be ready. While we don't have fall :( we do reap a great harvest just a few weeks after autumn equinox.

NATURE'S BOUNTY :)

we haven't eaten starfruits since last fall, Banyan wasn't quite sure what to think when we sliced them open and magically, they became little golden stars! He ate two hole ones, then proceeded to make the stars dance and gave his whole hearted rendition of Twinkle Twinkle little star.

I never know what to do with these tangy little fruits, and was inspired by Renee Underkoffler's book, Living Cuisine: The art and Spirit of Raw Foods which has a great recipe for starfruit salsa. Here is my adaptation of her lovely recipe with what I had on hand.

STAR FRUIT SALSA

3 ripe star fruits diced

2 large yellow tomatoes

1/4 cup cilantro chopped

1 minced jalapeno pepper

1 clove garlic minced

3 green onions chopped to top

1 red pepper minced

1 lime juiced

pinch of chili powder

sea salt and black pepper to taste

we also added a chopped peach, or a mango for some sweetness.

Combine all ingredients and mmmmmmmmmmmmmm......

good stuff!

We're still waiting for the fruits to ripen, so I don't have a photo of the finished product yet.

strawberry muffin making when its quiet...

2008-09-20T20:10:00.005-04:00

As much as I LOVE sharing baking with Banyan, there are also those times in which I quite appreciate the luxury of baking alone. Tonight is one such night. 8pm, I'm inspired, and as usual...HUNGRY!!! The song starts in my mind..."muffins, I'm going to eat some muffins" Ah yes, the kitchen is dark, empty, QUIET, and ready for some jamie love.

We've started telling Banyan that certain events are "surprises" and love to watch his face brighten when he receives what is highly anticipated. Tomorrow morning, I look forward to his beaming morning grin when he finds....STRAWBERRY MUFFINS, his two favorite foods combined into one waiting magically in a bowl for him when he wakes up from his bedtime slumber. We tell him the fairies make them for him....he fancies these random visits and devours each morsel of whatever they've made him.

We are members of the Indian Beach Organic Food Co op...in fact, we help to distribute and deliver the lovely organic food from Global, to people's basket so that we get our basket for FREE :) This past week, we went from having 20 members to about 35...what this means is that EVERYONE benefits! This weeks basket included a box of nummy strawberries.... Now Banyan can eat a WHOLE box of these lovelies by himself for breakfast....so to make them available to us all, I decided upon STRAWBERRY MUFFINS :)

YUM YUM...who says living wheat gluten free means you have to eat bland food?

WHEAT FREE STRAWBERRY MUFFINS

1 1/2 cups spelt flour

1 tbsp baking powder

pinch of salt

1 container of Redwood Hill Farms strawberry goat milk yogurt

1 egg beaten

1tsp vanilla

1/4 cup agave nectar

1 stick of butter melted

1/4 cup rice milk

mix the dry ingredients, then the wet in a separate bowl. Combine the two and then add 1 1/2 cups of diced strawberries. Bake at 350 degrees for 30 minutes. (it makes about 1 dz)

SCAT brings us closer to salads....

2008-09-20T14:01:00.009-04:00

This morning, being Saturday, we decided to take a bus ride down to the Downtown Farmer's market to score some cheap avocados and see what other veggies we could find :)

"off we go, through the woods

hand in hand, through the land

what we have we'll share together

and we'll never be parted, no not ever" ~waldorf walking song

waiting for the bus....Banyan is thrilled! For the first 2 years of his life, we didn't have car, so our main method of transportation was the SCAT bus system of Sarasota, when we did finally get a car, all he wanted to do was ride the bus again. perhaps all of his positive thinking about wanting to ride the bus ended us up with a car that doesn't work anymore? This whole law of attraction thing?

We arrived downtown with lightning speed, thanks to our maniac bus driver. (can you see the terror in Banyan's face as we turned a sharp corner) The downtown trip scored some 1$ avocados to get us through the week, 75cent cilantro, and some 75cent red peppers! Looks like some guacamole making is to come soon. This hungry mama LOVES guacamole, and can eat a whole bowl of it in a sitting....something about that cilantro lemon flavor does it for me.

Next, our walk to the Wachovia bank to deposit the check from Jacob's "day at the farm" While walking in the September heat, (which honestly isn't much different from August) I looked over at my belly in a reflective window....goodness me, I"M PREGNANT!!! Yes, yes, I'm starting to really feel a bit pregnant....the walking pace is getting slower, the heat is more unbearable, loud noises are a bit more disagreeable etc... We stopped to take a photo, (I believe the first one) of my baby belly. 17 weeks and I'm already looking quite pregnant! Banyan gives hugs and love to the baby in mama's belly :)

ah....now its time to go home, long walks, crowds of people, and one hungry mama WATCHOUT!! Our farmer's market visit turned into this afternoon's lovely lunch which consisted of a turkey avocado salad with creamy cashew carrot dressing.

Salad:

1 head of Butter Lettuce torn

1/2 Red Pepper diced

1 stalk celery chopped

3 slices deli turkey sliced

1 avocado cubed

sprinkle with nutritional yeast and top with yummy dressing.

Creamy Carrot Cashew Dressing:

2 carrots diced

1 cup cashews

1/4 cup cilantro

1 clove garlic minced

1 inch of ginger minced

2 coriander seeds ground

sea salt to taste

1 tbsp braggs liquid aminos

1 tbsp apple cider vinegar

1-2 cups water to desired consistency

blend up in a VITAMIX blender, and VOILA....nutrient rich homemade dressing!

getting crafty with block crayons :)

2008-09-19T19:42:00.011-04:00

We're always admirably looking at the Nova Naturals catalog wishing we had some more money to buy some of their lovely things. The one thing in particular is a set of block crayons for Banyan's coloring. In the early years of Waldorf, coloring is used to get a sense of color...not so much to teach the children how to draw forms. Form drawing doesn't begin until around 1st grade once the children have experienced color fully. It is believed that the regular shape of a crayon encourages children to draw lines, while a block crayon encourage them to fill in large fields of color which help them to absorb different hues into their being.

Since we don't have much money, but lots of time on our hands... I figured I'd have my go at making our own set of block crayons. First we started by peeling the regular crayons papers' off. Banyan particularly enjoyed this process... his meticulous little self peeled every last piece of paper off each crayon.

next we made up little "boat houses" and broke up the crayons into little sections and placed the colors in their proper houses.

next we set the oven to 275 degrees, put them in the hot house and watched them slowly melt. It took about 20 minutes for them to turn into liquid.

We took them out of the oven to cool...

Our pan turned into a colorful masterpiece in itself. I guess my double aluminum foil was not strong enough to keep its form with the melting wax...(next time i'll use muffin tins)

After about 10 minutes of cooling, we used a knife to pry out the newly shaped crayons and VOILA!!! BLOCK CRAYONS....(or not so block like) Alas, they work, and Banyan is excited about his new discovery of how his crayons can change shape with heat. I"ll have to post some photos up of his drawings to see how they change with the new crayons.

marina morning....

2008-09-17T22:26:00.004-04:00

nothing says lovin like getting out of the house on a whiny morning and bringing Banyan to the park. We checked out the marina the other day...the day after we got the tail ends of hurricane IKE. The water was HIGH, and in some areas flooded over the sidewalks of Marina Jacks, Banyan was thoroughly amused! As was I to discover the leaf that was stuck to Banyan's wrist by some pine sap...its the small things in life that bring this mama joy...like listening to the morning doves, and the sound of kids laughing at the park. Much better than the echoing of whining through our vaulted ceilings.

Its been a challenging day for us. Our dearly beloved Nissan Sentra has decided that after 200,000 miles, that the alternator needed to be replaced, just after we spent 400$ to replace the starter and battery..... So we're without a car for atleast a month or so until Jacob gets paid from his new job at Whole Foods, which is hopefully going to start within the next 2-3 weeks.

I'm looking forward to the cooler weather, and hope it approaches sooner than later to make the bike rides to get groceries more manageable for us.

Here's to 3 weeks from now....when we'll finally be on the upswing!

Today was also the 16 week prenatal appointment :)

I got to hear this little one's heartbeat, and get my blood tested etc...all checked out well, I've already gained 4 lbs!

till next time i write.

"wanna build a log house wit me?"

2008-09-17T22:16:00.008-04:00

A few months back while at a painting job, Jacob happened by some Lincoln Logs that were stuffed away in an old closet, lost, forgotten and neglected. So he brought them home to little man, who was ecstatic to learn yet another form of building. Presently, building train tracks, and log houses and block cities is where its at for him.

We've spent countless hours with him explaining the laws of Lincoln logs, how to place them "gently", and how to put in windows etc... A couple afternoons ago, we sat down for some quiet reading time....Jacob and I were on the couch, and Banyan decided he'd (rather than read) would have a go at building himself a log house. It always starts...."wanna build a log house with me mama?" Mama..."no thanks, I'm reading right now sweetie"

and then he goes off into his own little builder world. About 20 minutes into an exceptionally quiet reading time...jacob and I looked up from our books, and BEHOLD!!!

an AMAZING!! log house that Banyan built all by himself. We were flaberghasted as to the level of detail he put into this creation....

as the week went on, we've spotted numerous log houses being erected throughout the living room, always complete with a train which transports logs to the scene. Pretty clever for a almost 3 yr old :) Our little architect in the making...

THE HIPPIES GET A HAIRCUT

2008-09-12T21:06:00.010-04:00

Ah...the summer months of Florida. Nothing like sweating your ass off, particuarly if you are blessed with a thick mane of New England hair like our dear papa bear Jacob. Since there will be no winter this year, and plenty more heat....we decided to give him a proper Florida haircut...you know, so he'd fit in better with all the locals.

ah YES!!! nothing like a good ol' boy haircut to settle in to the deep south. We'll see how the job hunt goes now?

mama was really sad to see that sexy hippie hair go...and alas, was inspired to give Banyan his first haircut to add to the hair cutting festivities! He wasn't so sure about this at first, but given Jacob's recent persona change...he figured he'd go for the pixie look, so he could fit right into his imaginary world with the rest of the fairies and gnomes.

While at first a bit reluctant, he now sports his new haircut quite nicely...as seen in his rendition of Jim Morrison above. new beginnings for both the boys!

Its raining....I'm bored...Lets, DANCE!!!

2008-09-12T20:47:00.009-04:00

"mama" sigh.... "i'm bored" sigh....

"well whatcha wanna do?"

"I wanna do sumfing....I be nice to the baby."

" I know, lets DANCE!!"

BIG SMILES!!!

DANCE BANYAN DANCE!!!!

ah yes...nothing cures the rainy days like SHPONGLE DANCE PARTIES!!!

now onto mama's favorite things, like kisses, and NAPTIME :)

My horse whisperer

2008-09-12T20:24:00.011-04:00

"I wanna ride horses Mama!!!" We'd been hearing this for weeks from Banyan, seemingly out of nowhere...so alas, we spoke with our friend Lynn who has a retired riding horse, and took an afternoon to visit good ol' Rocky.

after hanging out of the fence and watching horses go by, Lynne finally was able to convince stubborn ol' Rocky to come visit Banyan. Feeding him some carrots was first on the list of to do's. Next washing him down. The onto taking him for a walk.

after some buttering up with carrots and a nice long walk we tried to see if this retired horse would let Banyan ride him?

no such luck, I think the horse got a little put off by me, not Banyan...as you can see by the photo, i'm not so into horses! We've promised him that when he turns 3yrs old, that we'll take him for a pony ride. My little fearless horse whisperer....didn't even flinch when something who's head is the size of HIM came down to chomp carrots out of his little hand, which is probly about the size of Rocky's tooth. GOOD TIMES!!!

celebrating summertime :)

2008-09-12T20:04:00.009-04:00

Celebrating Summer in FLorida :)

As we said goodbye to the days of New England Spring, we were met head on, with Sarasota summer. We celebrated "memorial day" in our own way, by having a veggie potluck at the park with all the kiddos and friends. Good times!!!

WE LOVE THESE PEOPLE!!!

Summer was also met with evening trips to the beach to cool off. Its the luxury of living 5 minutes from the gulf. Banyan and Jacob created some sort of camel llama?

We've begun the tradition of marking each season with a NATURE TABLE. This was the first one we created together for summer. We cut out a sunshine, Banyan painted him yellow, then over the course of the week we created flower fairies out of felt, rosequartz and beading wire. I wish I had a more upclose less blurry photo to put in there, but alas this is what I've got. We covered the scene with a beach, water, and mountains. Over the day's adventures we've collected rocks, sand dollars and seashells to add to our summer table, along with sailboats, snake skins, and a dearly missed cicada shell that we found in the back yard. Our summer crafts we're accented by Banyan's starfish necklace which he wears daily! We're still adding daily as the summer progresses on, and looking forward to the Autumn equinox which will be coming soon!

1600 miles southbound

2008-09-12T14:36:00.012-04:00

We left Plattsburg on Mother's Day. Can't you see the JOY in our faces!!! This was Banyan's face about 300 miles into the trip....OH BOY THIS IS GOING TO BE A LONG DRIVE!!!

Strange things started happening about 1000 miles into the trip. We happened upon South of the Border. This place is like a Mexican Disneyland Truck stop...Pedro has lots of animals to hang out with? I didnt know they had hippo's in mexico?

After learning all of our animals, we decided to be onto better things, like TRAINS, and PLANES...

and then...it was time to get the Heck out of that strange place and move onward to Florida!

Where things were really HOT HOT HOT, unlike Pedro's Playplace.

Blasts from the past....

2008-09-12T12:31:00.018-04:00

Its coming to be that time of the year again when things start to cool off slightly and I find myself missing New England and wanting to pack my family up and head for the mountains again to experience fall. One of our favorite memories was last spring, when Banyan and I drove up to New York to experience spring for the first time. The seasons' passing was marked by the beginning of our relationship with Jacob. What a perfect time for new beginnings :)

Our afternoons were spent at Point Au Roche along the banks of Lake Champlain.

We discovered, loons, how to build castles, and say thank you to our sister water.

One afternoon we were blessed with the discovery of BEAVERS!!! and as we walked

quietly through a grove of trees, we met a FOX. Further down, Banyan discovered

SNOW for the first time :)

as the days went on, we got to watch the snow melt, and bring the fresh patches of green grass on the paths that just a few days before, were covered with snow. We enjoyed our time up in Plattsburg and are eager to head back to New England when time and money allows. It was a beautiful thing to see a little florida beach boy discover hills, and the annual change from Winter to Spring. A time for new beginnings. The start of something new.

NUMMY NUMMY CHICKEN FIG KABOBS!!!

2008-09-11T17:32:00.000-04:00

Chip, our beloved counselor suggested that we have some FUN. So we had ourselves a yummy nummy kabob, swimming dinner :)

Recipe as follows

3 boneless skinless chicken breasts (antibiotic hormone free of course!)

3 portobello caps

1 box of fresh figs

1/2 red onion sections

1/4 cup balsamic vinegar

3tbsp olive oil

black pepper and salt to taste

fresh rosemary

and LOVE!

mix up the marinade, cut up the veggies and chicken, put on the Kabobs...let sit for 20 minutes or long while you swim swim like a fish in the pool....then fire up the grill and in 20 minutes, they're done :)

good times, the figs are super yummy and carmalized when you're done.

the start of something new...

2008-09-11T13:07:00.001-04:00

this is my new space, not myspace....more to come soon!